TOO MUCH TOO MUCH TOO MUCH!!!!!!

So I am in major overload here. I dont even know where to begin. Forgive me if the following babblings are a bit unorganized....Topic headings may help....

THE END OF THE WORLD

And by "World," I mean "Amercan Lifestyle." I am freaking out due a number a reasons, one of which is THIS article: "Celente Predicts Revolution, Food Riots, Tax Rebellions By 2012," by some dude named Paul Watson, and dating back only about 3 weeks. Here is the link if you so wish to have an educated judgement of my SPAZTIC reaction

http://www.infowars.com/?p=5938http://www.infowars.com/?p=5938

So this Celente dude has done his research. He's not psychic. He uses historical data to calculate trends. He's intelligent and educated. And apparently he's always right. And he thinks that by 2012 it will be tough for people to meet even the most basic of needs. Niiiiiice.

It was very interesting what this man said about people being on so many different forms of prescription and non-prescription drugs. He is very insightful when he says, "...you have a huge underclass of very desperate people with their minds chemically blown beyond anybody’s comprehension.” Think of all the people with mental disorders, who have been on expensive prescription drugs for a long period of time (some for nearly their entire lives.) If things crash as bad as this Celente guy is saying, those people will no longer be able to afford thier prescriptions anymore! I know how badly some people act out when they get off their meds for only a few DAYS! Imagine all the mentally ill people NOT on meds, and having no understanding of how to live life OFF of meds. 

And yes, Celente is right when he talks about all the people on drugs such as Meth. Those sorts of mind and emotion altering drugs werent around during the last national crisis....People will handle things a LOT differently than the people in the 30s. Plus, before the last depression, people were allready used to living life less cushy than we have come accustomed to. Its going to be like take all the yuppies from California and forcing them to live in Ethiopia or something. Only THIS will be on a much larger scale. 

So Ive flipped out and told John that we should really start thinking about stocking up on non-parishables and water. It wouldnt hurt anything, anyways. And most non-parishables are really inexpensive. And I want to quit using banks. Money isnt backed by anything. When it really comes down to it, it's just paper. It will be nearly worthless in 2012, according to Celente. Maybe our dollard bills will be worth more as a source of heat for our house! BURN IT IN THE LIVING ROOM! I want to purchase a used fireplace (free-standing) simply because Ive always wanted one. But more complicatedly I want a gas burning, fake fireplace that I can eventualy CONVERT to a wood-burning fireplace if ever needed. John HATES the smell of burning (inscence, campfire, cigarette butts not fully put out on the shop floor...) so I would have to make a compromise for him. He is SO high maintenance! *sarcasm* 

Considering the warnings Ive received from a few educated people, it would be silly not to take their advice (better safe than sorry!)  My sister, Beth, thinks Im crazy and that Im driving myself in to a panic attack or another impulsive decision to move accross the country. Well, she didn't say that in so many words...more like no words...more like Im putting most of those words in her mouth.... She says that what Celente says could never happen. She thinks its all in our control and maybe that's why Im totaly crapping myself right now - because Im a control freak and all of this is completely out of my hands and I know it. So Im trying to prepare myself for what I feel is only inevitable - and only because it's out of my own control. 

Too bad our great grandparents arent alive still to tell us how to prepare.I wonder what Frank Herman thought in 1929? Did he say, "HOLY CRAP! NEVER SAW IT COMIN'"? I bet he did. I bet he was living life fun and fancy free (like Bongo) four years before the big crash.

I wonder what this guy said about that strange Y2K business. I wonder if he was one of the guys who said, "The world is going to crash and burn! Stock up on food and water!!" and then it never happened.....Im trying to find information regarding that but Im not finding anything at all. Maybe that means he really didnt back up all that fear. Im sure if he had, the internet would be booming with articles such as "Man who thought the end of the world was going to be year 2000, now claims it AGAIN" or some such crap. 

Soooo.....summary: Im official freaked out that I will be drinking toilet water in 2012. (which wouldnt be so bad if our bodies weren't so WEAK from too much exposure to antibiotics and not enough exposure to slightly off drinking water, or viruses, or bacteria now and again!!!) Beth also thinks her baby will die of the flu inside of her whomb if she doesnt get the shot. Meanwhile there are case studies linking certain chemicals and preservatives in vaccines to autism spectrum disorder....  

OH WOW. That was a lot. I feel a weeee bit better. Now I have to peeeee.... I should get back crackalackin on the final portion of my schoolwork for the semester.....But how can I possibly concentrate when the world is coming to an end!?!? I ask you sir! HOW?

Taking a Moment to Appreciate

While going thru the nonsense business of "finding myself", I realize that I all too easily get wrapped up in the challenges Im facing, rather than on challenges Ive overcome! The last few years I have been having a real hard time figuring out (and sticking with) what is important to me, what I value, what and who I want in my life, what I envision for my future, and what I should be doing to be a productive and contributive member of society and the WORLD, really! Its all very overwhelming and I find myself being indecisive, changing my mind on things I could have SWORN I had already had set in stone....

And thru all the temper tantrums, crying fits, emotional breakdowns and millions of questions asked of myself and others, I will ALWAYS have a few select friends, close family members and JOHN just patiently and supportively waiting for me to get it all figured out. Im sure that there are a few people (mom...dad...) who care deeply for me, wishing that they could figure it out FOR me, give me life's answers and words of wisdom. However, they know and I know that only I can discover these on my own.

I am truly blessed to have this solid man in my life who, thru it all, tries to be as supportive as he can, and give me as much freedom as I need to get these things figured out. All of it is a test to our relationship, to our unconditional love for eachother. We try to remember, as we bulldoze the great roadblocks that are placed in the path of our relationship, that in the end there is always the true gift in knowing that we can overcome anything and our love and devotion to eachother will last forever (we hope. heehee.) 

I know this because (among many other things) at the end of each school week I am incredibly anxious to return home. After work on the weekends I am STILL excited to return home. At night Im content and comforted to fall asleep next to him, and to wake up feeling the same way. Even DURING a big blow-out argument, no matter HOW pissed off or hurt we are, we always just know, in the back of our minds, that we will be okay. We always are! We will hug, kiss, make our appologies, and talk in real terms how to adjust things to make it so that we dont upset eachother again. Then all will be right with the world (at least OUR world.) Heehee. We both know that it's good to "fight", to work out the bugs, "nip them in the bud", so on...as soon as problems arise so the finished product (marraige) is suitable for us both.

Our relationship has grown so much since we began our journy close to four years ago! So many compromises have been made, tweekings and adjustments that dont just happen overnight - that take some work and serious, conscious effort. In the end, we still dont have the perfect relationship, but we have a custom-built love, created in a way to satisfy our own individual needs and desires. Aw yes, the sheer cheesiness of it all....  

Rethinking My Opinions

Alright. So I was mowing the lawn today and just got to thinking about whats really happening in the world right now. Not just in my life, but MANY human beings. It all started when the protests and riots began on Tuesday, which was largely due to the radical voice of Zack De Le Rocha of Rage Against The Machine. 

I have been a HUGE fan of RATM since I was in 7th grade. However, let me make this clear: I AM NOT a radical myself. I am NOT an anarchist. I am all for having a government system. I just feel this system could be tweaked quite a bit. 

Looking back, I was reminded of how much of a little activist I once was myself. I have always had strong opinions and once had strong, educated political opinions. I used to be terrified of war. I had nightmares that planes would bomb my house and we'd be tossed in concentration camps. I had it in my head that I was born to join the Peace Corps and travel to 3rd world countries to help fight poverty and injustice.

I once wrote up a petition and had almost all 5th graders sign their names to it because I KNEW I wasnt the only one fed up with the killer gym floor they forced us to do sit-ups on every day. All I wanted was for the large mats to be laid lown for us to use during gym class. I remember that when I showed it to Mr.McCullough he laughed at me and turned me down. DICK. I wonder what he ever did with that petition....

Then after attending the RATM concert in Mnpls last night, listening to Zack speak, feeling the energy, seeing the protests and police by the hundreds in their full riot gear, I began to think about all the destruction happening in other countries and remembering the little rebel I once was. When did I start becoming so selfish? When did I begin to think that MY life was so hard? And why? I suppose its because America is set up that way. We arent supposed to worry about whats going on anywhere besides in our local area or state. 

Maybe instead of worrying myself over MY future (which, no matter what I do, is going to be 10times brighter than a lot of others' future - entirely due to the fact that I am a white AMERICAN) I should put effort in to helping others. Once of the BEST things I have ever done with myself was to go on a mission trip to Mississippi with TreeHouse. I want to start doing that again. I could go somewhere every summer. Theres no real reason why I cant. I can raise the money. Ive done it before.

Something else Ive been seriously considering this semester has been that once I am thru with school, I should use my education as a liscensed social worker to find resources for immigrants. It seems to me (from speaking with them) that the majority of immigrants come to this country is to ESCAPE their own. They dont go thru all the trouble to move here on a whim or because they have nothing BETTER to do or because they are bored of where they were residing. 

Maybe instead of destructing other countries while trying to build them up, we (US Govnt) could set up large camps of American Peace Corps with a few appointed armed gaurds for each camp. I understand that the terrorists demolished a sliver of our country, but do we have to LEVEL theirs? We can show these people a better way of life without bringing tanks, cant we?

And it seems to me (uneducated opinion, here) that America has so much technology these days that we should be able to pinpoint who these terrorists are, zoom in on them and destroy THEM. I understand people are worried that their friends and families left behind will carry on the terrorism but you cant DESTROY terrorism. Terrorism is not a living, breathing thing. It will carry on no matter how much blood is shed, limbs are lives are lost. 

Also, going back to something I said in a previous blog....I stated something along the lines of "soldiers need to quit complaining about the war... they are the ones who signed up in the first place...." BUT after educating myself a bit more, I have realized that most soldiers signed up in high school or shortly afterwards, given promises of bashing in the skulls of terrorists and freeing the people of Iraq. 

All that seemed really cool at 17-19! ESPECIALY if it was shortly after the events of 9-11! That age group is still EXTREMELY inpressionable. Joining up seems really cool when a 20-some, handsom, tan and muscular dude shows up to your HIGH SCHOOL, attracting the attention of all the chicks in the place. I wonder how many kids took the time to read the fine print on the documents they signed their lives away on. I feel that many of those boys (and girls) were mislead and/or taken advantage of. ALSO, I have learned that many soldiers signed up for X amount of time and were forced to stay longer or be re-deployed. 

So I appologize to anyone I may have offended by spouting off uneducated, thoughtless opinions. I sometimes forget to do my research before I go yammerin' on about something I, at the time, feel very strongly about.

Strip? Or File Bankruptcy?

so FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! why is it that I work my ass off, trying to be a model citizen, girlfriend, friend, daughter, student, employee, mommy, and i still get FUCKED!!!!!!!!!??????? what the fuck happened to KARMA?? FUCK karma!!! im a good girl. im fucking honest and sincere and godfuckingdamnit im a good girl. i think i pretty much always have been. i feel like ive made mistakes but have already paid for them in one shape or form or another.

i feel like i need to bitch and ramble and babble for a while. i can look back on it later and see what an idiot ive been. i feel like ive got some fucking story to tell. how original. 

so here it is:

im working while going to school. living on my own (and, contrary to what many may think, up until cali, john has never paid my bills, tuition, books, etc) for nearly 3 years i paid half of everything just from my part time jobs, PLUS my bills PLUS going to school. once in a while hes helped me out (20 bucks here and there). then checker fucking cut back my hours over HALF. that was 2 years ago.

so ANYWAYS.....I fucking couldnt afford health/dental insurance. i shouldve let go of my pride and applied for state med aid. so that when my fucking wisdom teeth started trying to kill me with pain, i WOULDNT HAVE HAD to put nearly 3 grand on a card to have them removed. FUCK. 

,maybe if i was the kind of person that is okay with taking help from the government, taking help from anyone in general, this wouldnt have happened to me. i shouldve been on minensota care a long time ago. i shouldnt told john how bad i was struggling before it got this far. but FUCK! i always thought to myself "you cant be the kind of person that relies on others to get by. to get out of little messes. to pay your way. to take care of you. make mom and dad proud. be independent, and dont take anything from anyone unless you work for it" thats the fucking mentality that got me in this place. 

and if i hadnt had gone to cali. but FUCK i did everything right! i filed all the FAFSA shit, i checked in with the financial aid office there at least once a fucking week to be sure they had all the info they needed and to see if there was anything i could do to speed up the process. no. fuckers! 

then a few years go by and i find myself extremely unhappy. so i decided to move to cali hoping THAT would make me happy. new and warm environment. chill people. family. volunteer work. school. independence...... doesnt make me happy. i do everything right. the financial aid dept at the school in cali FUCKS me and I get no money. so, after racking up my credit cards even MORE trying to survive (and OKAY....spending money on CRAP doing the whole i-feel-like-shit-so-maybe-shopping-will-make-me-feel-better routine....) and maintaining a low A average in school, i decide to cut my losses and go home.

now im on the final part of school (2 years left) and im barely making it by. im just praying that customer service for my credit card companies read the pathetic emails i wrote, begging for some slack, and HAVE A FUCKING HEART! if i had anything to sell for money, i WOULD. if anyone owed me money, id collect. if i could work more, i would. but i cant take 16 credits and work anything more than 15 hrs a week. i cant quit school to work or ill just be struggling for THE REST OF MY LIFE.

so i just have to struggle REALLY BAD for these last two years. but that might not be good enough for discover, capital 1 and citibank. they may want me to suffer. for the rest of my life. 

so, okay, i KNOW im not the only person going thru this. the economy sucks. i guess thats the only thing holding me together. is knowing that LOTS of good, hard-working americans are in the same boat i am. at least i dont have kids. or a mortgage. or a car payment. at least im not ill or disabled. 

i know ill be just fine once im done with school. im just hoping i can make it THRU school. i was informed that my credit card companies can garnish student loans if they need more money from me. FUCK!!!! 

its really hard right now not to hate myself. not to hate the stupid FUCKS that work in the financial aid dept at santa rosa junior college. its easy to think bad thoughts.......but i cant hate the world. i know i did this to myself. but FUCK!!!! did i, really?? 

FUCK if anyone reads this....please email me and tell me how bad YOU have it. or how bad it COULD be. i dont see how it could be worse for a girl whos tried her WHOLE LIFE to stay out of debt trouble, work hard and pay her taxes. and here she is. FUCKED. fuckedfuckedfuckecxdfuckdufkcd

why is it that even though I KNOW billions of others have it worse than me, yet i still feel like its the end of my world? like im the BIGGEST failure. but i also feel like i DONT FUCKING DESERVE THIS!!!!! i want to scream. i want to fucking just flip out

now all this negativity ive been festering in has given me a headache. and i cant cry. wtf. cant cry? and i cant focus. im ranting. ill stop

Im Bailing Ship! SHIT!

i love it here. i truely do. the people are nice. the weather is nice. im getting good grades. theres plenty to do. ive made a great friend. but im moving home. my flight comes in at 6:30am on april 3rd. early, right? i know. that was the cheapest flight. can you blame me?

its a long story and if anyone gives a shit they can ask me about it when i come home

or not

you know, taking $1,700 up the ass in tuition costs and $300 for books, leaving my As and Bs to get dropped to Fs to completely FUCK my cummulative GPA wasnt what i had intened on. but dwelling on it will only make it harder for me to come home with positive feelings and a positive direction. 

i guess this is just one of those things in life that happeneds sometimes. ive been trying so hard for so long to make the right choices and do what i feel is right for my future. but im so burned out now. my brain has been giving up. seriously. it needs a break for a while. i need to figure out why i cannot be a consistantly happy person. 

everyone is telling me to just stick it out but i just cant. theres a lot of details involved in why that is. but it all boils down to this: IM FREAKING OUT MAN!!! i need to be home where its safe, consistant, and low-key so i can sort out the mess that is my brain. 

and you know, moving to cali for a while wasnt a wasted experience. ive learned a lot about myself. and ive learned im having a hard time dealing with every day stress. ive learned im very close to tipping off the edge of sanity.....

learned that theres nothing wrong with my LIFE in minnesota, or the choices i am MAKING in minnesota, etc. the problem is all in my head. dont worry, im not turning schizo! i have NO paranoid dillusions, here. i am seeing what is happeneing to me (inside my mind) and i know i need to begin fixing it for REAL. right now. i cant keep running about the country whenever i feel depressed or anxious. 

you know, i can think of a MILLION reasons why i SHOULD be the happiest person ever. here, i shall list just a few off the top of my head: great man, great family, friends, dog, car thats reliable, no real financial woes(BECAUSE of my great boyfirend), i have a job that i enjoy (GNC), i get good grades in school, i have a FUTURE (because im getting good grades in school), i like my neighborhood, im having a baby neice being born soon, im not fat, im not ugly, im not dying, im a socialable person and would like to think that i am generally a likable person and a good friend.....SEE. i can LIST them!

i can list everything that should make me so happy, yet im NOT so happy. im a mess. that will follow me no matter where i go. i didnt realize how bad it was till living out here for a while.

right now, i can only think of ONE real reason to be unhappy. thats just bc im flushing this semester down the toilet. whatever,. big deal. some people have flushed YEARS of school down the toilet and still have to pay for it. and i was feeling really shitty long before i decided to cut all ties with this school and move back home.

there must be something that needs changing inside of my brain if when changing my environment, im STILL feeling the way i do. i still feel the way i did before i moved to california. i was only really "happy" here for the first three weeks. since then ive really been unwraveling, man. 

i am so excited to see my michelle. she always makes me laugh, smile, feel good about myself and we always have a blast whenever we are together!! 

and im so excited to be at home where things are normal. ill have my job back, my quiet home back, my man and doggy to snuggle with at night, and TIME. i will have TIME to get better before i start school again in the fall.

to anyone who has a really hard time understanding anxiety disorders, panic disorders or depression....think of it this way: the parts of my brain that are supposed to proccess emotions, regulate moods and just keep a person generally happy, are MALFUNCTIONING. its partially in my control, but its kind of like having a kidney disease, we'll say. if you have a bad kidney youve gotta make healthy choices, TRY to keep a positive attitude, and take some medication. ones brain, like a kidney, is also a vital organ in ones body that can quit working properly. 

please excuse me if im not quite "myself" for a while after i move home. im not drinking anymore and i quit smoking cigarettes. im refusing to involve myself or expose myself to any negativity because i seriously just cant deal with it at this point. john was telling me about what had been happening this most recent season of "NipTuck" and it really made me feel dirty, icky, depressed and sad. its just a stupid TV SHOW but i couldnt handle hearing about it. i dont know why i ever watched that show. no more of that shit for me, man! 

its like ive been in permanent PMS mode the last year and a half but its just been getting WAY worse the last few months. i just figure that if everyone knows exactly whats going on, nobody will be needing to worry about it and come up with their own explanations. ive always been a pretty upfront and honest person. 

so there you have it. i have fallen apart but im actively trying to put myself back together. boy. could this GET any more dramatic?!?!

johns grilling us steaks right now. he bought a little george forman because bill and chris dont have a grill of any sort. john really is my hero, isnt he? hes been trying so hard keep being forgiving of me every time i get upset and fall to bits when he says something that rubs me the wrong way and/or hurts my feelings. poor guy. he just really cant do anything right lately!! hes trying to understand me but i dont even understand me.

WOW

you know you live in a way-too-nice neighborhood when you are greatly impressed by the sight of a man mowing his own lawn.

i know it was his own lawn because its saturday afternoon. and he was dressed all nice-like. and he just didnt look like he was part of jose's yard service. thats seriously the only lawn care team ive seen in this neighborhood. they come like worker bees during the day and people come home to magically perfect lawns and clean streets. its kinda strange

JESUS?!

another visit from jesus christ and his twin brother........

FIRST of all, why are "the wittnesses" always MEN coming around to bang bibles?? wierd. i just noticed that. OR maybe ive just never SEEN a female one. if anyone whos reading this is "a witness", can you please explain to me your religion? i would honestly research it myself but ive been doing lots of research for my abnormal psych class and i just really dont feel like it....

secondly, the dudes were WEARING NAMETAGS THAT SAID "JESUS CHRIST" ON THEM!!!!!!! ha! i opened the door and thats the first thing i saw!! can you IMAGINE?! so i laughed, looked up at the poor saps and told them theyd better move on to the next door. HA! its so funny to me for some reason....

i know what theyre doing is a good, positive thing, and blahblahblah but damnit, its just as ANNOYING as girlscouts and other door-to-door salespeople! OH! i just figured it out, i think...so the reason why Ive never seen a female "wittness" is because you have to be just like christ to spread "the word"? so you have to have a...ummm....PENIS?! HA! whatever. im over it. 

if i were them id say something to me like, "yeah? well, at least i HAVE a religion!" and id simply say, "good point. but i am working on that, you know. i just want to find a religion that wont make me feel like CRAP about myself and make me think that everything i do is DIRTY and EVIL!" plus, ive got enough to worry about, man. 

bitter? party of one? mmhmm!

Oh yeah?! Take THAT!!

tonight a 5 yr old nearly broke my heart!! I asked Bailey, "Do you wanna come sit by me and talk while I put my puzzle together?" (bc she usually likes doing that and YES Im such a dork, Im still doin my puzzles-but not nearly as obsessively as I have in the past)

anywho....so Bailey responded with, "No. I wanna hang out with my daddy. Hes more funner." Yeah, I KNOW!! OUCH, right?

I preteneded like it didnt bug me, I shrugged my shoulders and said, "whatever" (like a 5 yr old would say to something like that) But it really hurt my little feelings! I have been putting a big effort in to paying attention to these girls and I have NEVER raised my voice to them! and I wanted to say something like, "well FINE! Then Im not going to play with you anymore! How bout that? If Im no fun anyways, then you really shouldnt MIND!" or what if I was like, "well, okay then. we shall see who gets DESERT next time you get babysat?? Huh?! How do ya like THAT?!"

Im losing it

Revelations

All right now. Incase anyone has been wondering...I think I am begining to really figure some things out for myself. 

I am finally willing to admit that I overreacted to my feelings of anxiety and restelessness in Minnesota. I have realized that what I need to do when I start to feel that way again is to simply do like most folks do and PLAN A VACATION! I dont have to make a giant life-change and up and move across the country to "spread my wings". My wings can only spread for so long and then they need to return to their resting position.  

Just like with most everything, you have to loose something to really appreciate it and realize how important it was. I thought I would have SO many more opportunities in California. That was extremely nieve of me. I also thought I was stronger than I am and thought I could handle so much independence. I am ENJOYING some of it, dont get me wrong. But I need my family! 

John is the most supportive person in my life and truely seems to be the best match for me that can ever be found! I have a new-found trust and sense of security in our relationship. Nothing tangible in our relationship has changed. We have no new "rules" set for eachother. We are treating eachother no differently, really. I just hink I needed time to myself to see how great I really do have it. No ring on the finger, and that may never happen, but Im getting to be more and more okay with that. We really are such good friends and thats the shit that lasts forever. Plus it helps that hes a STUD MUFFIN!

I have come to find that for WHATEVER reason, I try to be tougher than I really am. Im realizing it may be easier for me to just accept that Im a big ol baby, accept that I am an emotional and sensitive woman, and quit acting like Im not! I need to embrace my womanhood, rather than denying the existance of it. 

My thoughts, beliefs and behaviors are begining to change. Im totally cool with that. Its just hard to adjust everything in to allignment. Im begining to think things, and behave in ways that are not congruent with eachother. Its strange but I know its just all a part of growing up and learning from experiences. blah blah. I guess I may just be "maturing".....or whatever ;-)  

I have found that kids dont annoy me quite as much as I THOUGHT they did, or assumed they would. I have more patience than I assumed I had. I enjoy time (in BITS) with children and my favorite part about time with them is TALKING with them and answering their ever curious questions. GOOD GOD BELEIVE IT OR NOT, IM ON THE VERGE OF LIKING CHILDREN!!!!! watch out, the world may be collapsing....dont get all excited, Im not saying I want to BEAR AND REAR children....I just trust myself spending alone time with them now and really dont mind it much. ;-) 

but this doesnt mean anyone can just call me up and ask me to watch their offspring (unless you PAY very well)

I enjoy spending my money on me, spending my time doing whatever I please, having fragile, pretty things spread all about my home, i have a hard enough time handling the stress of my own life so I DONT need another life to worry about, and most of all: I LIKE MY FIGURE AND INTEND TO KEEP IT. heehee. thats probably not the MOST important reason....just another big one. so dont be thinking im going to be popping out babies. 

Now that you fully understand THAT.....I can move on. I have also realized that if I dont get finished with school sometime with in the next two years, I may blow a serious gasket. This shit is getting old. Fast. And I want money! 

So here is my plan of action (oh yes, theres always must be a plan): I am going to enroll in 4 classes at the U of M in Mankato. I am still only going to work about 10 hours at GNC a week, but DAMNIT I need to be done with school!! I need to keep working out at least 3 days a week, and quit watching TV so much. Turns me in to a blob. I also need to be sure to RESIST the tempatation to return to my old smoking habits. Thanks to John it shouldnt be all that hard because he agreed to quit smoking in the house! YAY!! What a guy!

Im sure anyone who ever has visited my house before, or plans to visit again, is ALSO very pleased that there will be no more smoking allowed in the house. Just in the shop. Thats John's territory, his cave, his hangout, his turf, etc...you get the point. 

Thanks for your interest, if you were interested enough to read this nonsense!

Dreams and Reality

so last night i had a dream that actually made sense for once. it was one of those dreams thats too easy to interpret in to reality, you know? here, i will tell you

DREAM: i took the wrong bus and ended up in san francisco instead of at school. and i had no cash to get back to santa rosa

REALITY: ive been thinking a LOT and worrying a lot about how to get john and michelle to santa rosa for cheap bc my uncles dont want to drive to san fran to pick them up from the airport. at first i thought it would cost 30 bucks one way to get them here!! ALSO, i have no way of getting cash unless i bother my uncles by writing them a check for cash. it SUCKS going out and only having a credit card to use! surprisingly, in CA i cant use my card at many places. and its a VISA!

DREAM: my backpack that i had with me weighed so much that i could barely pick it up off the seat to strap it on! and when i DID, it hurt my back really bad and kept making me fall backwards in the middle of the bus isle! 

REALITY: ive been SUPER stressing bc i havent gotten an answer back from financial aid yet about my student loans. im not sure how im paying for school yet. john said hes going to pay for it if i dont get enough loans, but i dont want that kind of personal debt hanging above my head! hes my boyfriend, not my banker. but Ive been going along, taking my classes, doing all the work,taking all the test, HATING one of my teachers, all the while stressed about it. 

DREAM: there was a super cute bassett hound on the bus that wouldnt leave me alone. it had really dirty ears and i was scratching them, trying to get all the dirt out and ease its missery a bit. i was trying to explain to the owner the importance of keeping a dogs ears clean (especially a bassetts!) and i wished i had the proper cleaning solution with me so i could make this doggy feel better.

REALITY: the bassett hound is my favorite hound. i miss my junedog and miss taking care of her. john takes EXCELLENT care of her, but i enjoy doing that, its my job and i miss it all. i also miss carsons doggies (bassetts) and cant wait to come home!!!!!

So I Got a Massage....

so the guy who gave me my massage (who happened to look like Usher and Seals' lovechild) kept calling me Gabby, which was extremely annoying, but you know how when people mispronounce your name, you feel bad for THEM (bc you know when it happeneds to YOU its terribly embarrassing) so I didnt say anything to him. I just became Gabby....anywho....it was SO nice to be touched by another human being! 

this all goes back to my blog from a few weeks ago. when he was massaging my arms and moved down to my hands/fingers, I had a sudden strange urge to grasp his hand in mine. wierd, I know. it wasnt anything sexual. Anyone who knows me well knows that Im not even attracted to anyone of the opposite race. not in a racist way, I just dont find other ethnicities attractive (in general). it felt SO GOOD and it just made me look forward to seeing John in two weeks!!!!! I just cant wait Ill pee my pants in excitement!!!!

So I was lucky and had a coupon dealyding. I got an HOUR long massage for only 40 bucks!! the lovechild was a bit too chatty, though. asked too many questions. "so where are you from?", "what brings you here", "what are you in school for?", "what kind of classes are you taking?", "where do you live?", "want me to stick my dick in you?" HA GOTCHYA! just seeing if you were paying attention....but and I was too tired and in to the massage to ask him to be quiet so I just gave him short and to-the-point answers, hoping he'd catch on. he wasnt too bright....

oh well. at least the massage only cost me 40 bucks! I cant wait for john to come see me so I can get one for FREE!! heehee. 

oh, AND we are going to a SPA overnight and each getting massages together. How cool is that?! I had too much coffee at the ranch so Im feeling chatty....maybe I should just call hunny....

LATER! (to whomever had just read my babblings)

Technology and Teachers (in the same SENTENCE?!)

I am paying good damn money to attend three 90 min classes, four days a week, and at least ONE CLASS DAY A WEEK will have 10-15 minutes taken from it due to the teachers having NO GODDAMN IDEA HOW TO RUN THE COMPUTER or THE PROJECTOR?! Get fucking with it!!!!!! That's been bothering me for the last two years or so and has been becoming an extreme annoyance that occurs at least three times a week between my three classes. Okay. Finsihed now. Thank you.

Music....

isnt it kind of ignorant for us to always relate every song we hear to every situation or relationship in our lives? As if writers made their song JUST for ME. Wow! and i KNOW im not the only one who does that. come on. HA! Human beings are so self-centered. 

i was listening to John Mayer last night (REALLY listening for the first time) and thought to myself, "wow. this song is just like when ____ happened." or "wow! this is exactly how IM FEELING, TOO!!" Me and john Mayer must be soul mates!!! HAHA!!! just kidding, of course.

Human Touch

today, charlotte was rubbing the blanket i was curled up in because it is very soft material. the feel of her little hand move across my arm gave me a sudden feel of such emotional comfort. the feeling like when my mom used to rub my back when i was sick or was in pain. yeah, it felt THAT good to me. i realized just how lonely i am getting

 i have always known im a snuggly person. i am very physically affectionate and i expect the same from my friends, my dog, family and boyfriend. however, i didnt realize just how important it is to me and how much i need it until today. i have been away from home for nearly a whole month and i am really really starting to feel it. 

i live with two 4yr old girls, but they seem to be children who dont feel the need for much physical affection. not like theyre cold or something. they just dont give hugs, kisses and cuddles much. im used to having lots of affection each and every day from my hunny and my junedoggy so im going thru withdrawls. 

for example, i asked bailey the other day, "can you come here and sit on my lap so i can snuggle you?" and her response was, "what for?". litterally. she asked me that. i think they are just very idependent in this family. and im very co-dependent. 

carla came and visited me yesterday. it was SO good to see her, i had an AWESOME time with her and we giggled listened to music. but i cant snuggle up with her. i cant have her hold me. she cant stroke my head or rub my feet or give me kisses. well, she COULD but....well you know what i am saying 

john and i talk several times a day and we have much faith in eachothers love and loyalty. he tells me he loves me, but i would much rather be SHOWN love. and i have to wait 7 more weeks for his touch. 

i realize its stupid for me to bitch. IM the one who left. IM the one who made this decision to move across the country for nearly 5 months. im just so dissapointed because i really thought i could handle this. i really thought i was mature enough and could be strong enough to be "okay" without him and june for a few months. 

when i am in class, on the bus, doing schoolwork or walking around town, i am fine. it just comes in waves when im not real busy with something. i want to be here, i know this is an awesome opportunity and i wanted it in the first place but i want to be with my family, too. with john and june 

and ive been having nightamres about june and john and i dont know how to stop them. its so frustrating to not be in control of something!!! i will fall asleep feeling pretty okay, not stressing about anything, thinking about what a good day i had and what a good day i will have the next day, but then i wake up from an aweful dream with nobody to console me, and not entirely sure where i am for a while. i really thought i would be okay. turns out ive overestimated myself. that feels pretty shitty, too

 WWWWWAAAAAAA!!!!!! geeze!! im such a crybaby.

Aaaahhhh......(sigh of relief)

so everything has worked out! 

I am not sure if I will be getting enough financial aid to cover school, but I am blessed with a nearly-perfect boyfriend, and he offered to pay for this one semester if I do not have to funds. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!?! Of course, eventually I will pay him back. Someday after school probably. He has been telling me how proud he is of me and how much he wants me to be happy and to really make it out here, so he is totally supporting me if I need him. That takes a GIANT weight off of my mind!! So I am still on track with school!

I found a place that needs my volunteer work!!! I will be volunteering for up to 8 hours every saturday at a place called McDonald Ranch. It is less than 5 minutes from where I am staying. Bill said he or Christopher will drive me. And if they cannot, I can walk about 3 miles to a place where I can be picked up and dropped off by a shuttle bus. 

I will be working with horses and dogs; feeding, grooming, fixing up buildings, etc. They also have chickens and cats but they owner said I do not have to work with them if I dont want to (thank goodness!!!). The ranch is a non-profit organization owned and opperated by a couple who takes in unwanted animals. 

When I read about the need for volunteers there, I sent an email out and about 20 minutes later I got a reply! Linda said that she really needs volunteers and donations at this time. Finances are tight so they have two plots of land up for sale!! It sounded like she really needs me so I am so very excited to be of use for a good cause! Plus this way, I get my dog fix!!!!! I miss Junedoggy so much! =(

I am meeting with Linda this Saturday morning to work out the details. YAY!!! I will be taking pictures and posting them as soon as I can. Love you all!

IM FREAKING OUT

well, i have only been here two or three weeks, yet i cannot help but have a spazz attack allready! my financial aid is taking forever to get worked out...i had to REAPLY and give all different kinds of proof of income from me AND my parents, and i am worried that this wont get worked out in time for the last day to drop classes! the last day to drop classes and ge redunded is in 5 days. and if i dont have a positive answer that i will be getting enough federal loans by then to cover this semester and my bills, i will need to drop my classes and go home.

another small, but kind of important thing: i only have 5 days to return the textbooks i bought in order to get a full refund!!! i spent just under $300 this semester on books. i dont want to eat that money!!!!

another thing im flipping out about is that i STILL havent been able to get in to an organization around here to do my volunteer work!! youd THINK it wouldnt be so hard. its like this, "look here, i want to give my time to the clients of your organization for FREE! whats the problem?!" but people want a 6 month-year commitment and they cant waiver that because 'its policy". OR the places are just too too far away and i cannot get there by bus and/or walking. also, there has been two organizations i spoke with who "DO NOT NEED MY SERVICES AT THIS TIME". im sure if i wanted to send out mailings, emails, or do filing they would need me. but i really dont want to do that. that SUCKS, ive done it before

so on tuesday i am speaking with the financial aid office about all of this, and im hoping that everything is as it should be and my only concern will be to find volunteer work, or a job. if i dont hear back from any more of the volunteer places i have contacted, i am going to start looking for a part time job somewhere fun. like a flower shop, or a dog groomers, or something. i also have already posted a sign at the local market advertising Dog Walking! i left my phone number AND email, so i hope i get at least ONE response! oh well. probably not. 

thanks for taking an interest in my ramblings. think positive thoughts for me!!!!

and if you pray, i guess you could pray for me. what could it hurt, right?

College Bullshit

its frustrating to me that i pay for a service and then i have NO CONTROL over this service i am paying for!! i thought maybe things would be different in California, but i was wrong. its the same shit. 

you pay a ridiculous amount of money for your books which the school "requires" you to buy, however when you get to class, you find that MOST teachers (not all) will blab on and on, giving you notes to take about the same stuff you wasted your time reading in the book, taking notes on the previous night! it seems so redundant. 

and it seems to me that most the other students in the class are taking notes the ENTIRE class period, telling the teacher, "wait! im not done with that overhead yet!" when i have ALLREADY been through it all and i am ready to move on to a new topic! 

and then HEAVEN FORBID i miss a day of class! F-you! its MY loss, not YOURS if i miss a day of school. and APPARENTLY its not even a loss at all because everything the teacher goes over in class, i have already read and taken notes on!! they still feel its appropriate to doc me points when a class is missed. bastards.

i feel as though i should just QUIT wasting my money on these expensive, useless textbooks and just keep going to class every day and take notes. 

enough bitching. im done.

What Beauty Nature Offers....

man oh man! i just got back from such a beautiful walk/hike. i left the house at about 12:30 this afternoon with a backpack full of food, water, my camera and my phone. my 4 yr old cousin, Bailey, asked me if i needed any rope. lol. then she reminded me not to fall off the mountain and waved me goodbye. i knew there was a state park (Annadell State Park) a mile or so from where i am currently living, but i wasnt quite sure how to get there. well, i stopped somewhere and got directions and found my way. 

with my new pink and black hiking backpack snuggly hugging my waist, i was off on an adventrure! everything is so green here. i will have pictures posted sometime by next week when i get my usb cable in the mail from john. within 15 min of my walk to the park, the sky cleared a wonderful blue and the sun shone warm and bright! 

i decided to take a trail that went around Spring Lake. the locals told me its a beautiful scenic walk. WRONG! the lake was brown and the islands in it were full of dead trees and grass. i guess we really have it good in minnesota with our wonderful blue lakewater! so then i took a trail that went weaving through the woods surrounding the lake. that was much better. the grass was SO bright green. green like grass-in-the-springtime-green grass. it was all still covered in dew since the fog had just been burned off by the sun. the moss on the oak trees was shining in this sun, and the moss hanging from the branches was blowing softly in the breeze. it was HEAVEN! 

so that was my adventure today. it was so cool to be able to just walk out the front door with a bag packed and head for the hills! LITERALLY!! i didnt care that i was all by myself. it was nice, actually. i could stop and stare at something if it were to catch my eye. i could stand around like a tourist/moron and take pictures of the scenery. i could putz all i like bc i was all by myself. that part of it was really nice. it also felt really good to not worry about where to park, how much gas i will use to get there, or if i will get lost driving around. in some cases its easier to get around without a car. but most importantly, its empowering to just get around by using your own two feet!! 

i took as many pictures as i could, but at one point (just when i was getting SUPER excited about all the cool pictures i would have) my camera told me i was out of memory space!!! and i forgot to bring my big memory card to cali with me, i realized. DAMN and BLAST!!! so that pissed me off enough to make me head home. i thought, "whats the point in viewing all of this beauty if i cant even share it with anyone later?" plus, knowing me, i would forget most of what i saw, too. so i got home at about 3:00 (my time) and i am ready for a nap. i will venture out again when i get my big memory card in the mail.

im excited to share all my pictures with you all!! 

thanks for taking the time to read!

me