Human Touch

today, charlotte was rubbing the blanket i was curled up in because it is very soft material. the feel of her little hand move across my arm gave me a sudden feel of such emotional comfort. the feeling like when my mom used to rub my back when i was sick or was in pain. yeah, it felt THAT good to me. i realized just how lonely i am getting

 i have always known im a snuggly person. i am very physically affectionate and i expect the same from my friends, my dog, family and boyfriend. however, i didnt realize just how important it is to me and how much i need it until today. i have been away from home for nearly a whole month and i am really really starting to feel it. 

i live with two 4yr old girls, but they seem to be children who dont feel the need for much physical affection. not like theyre cold or something. they just dont give hugs, kisses and cuddles much. im used to having lots of affection each and every day from my hunny and my junedoggy so im going thru withdrawls. 

for example, i asked bailey the other day, "can you come here and sit on my lap so i can snuggle you?" and her response was, "what for?". litterally. she asked me that. i think they are just very idependent in this family. and im very co-dependent. 

carla came and visited me yesterday. it was SO good to see her, i had an AWESOME time with her and we giggled listened to music. but i cant snuggle up with her. i cant have her hold me. she cant stroke my head or rub my feet or give me kisses. well, she COULD but....well you know what i am saying 

john and i talk several times a day and we have much faith in eachothers love and loyalty. he tells me he loves me, but i would much rather be SHOWN love. and i have to wait 7 more weeks for his touch. 

i realize its stupid for me to bitch. IM the one who left. IM the one who made this decision to move across the country for nearly 5 months. im just so dissapointed because i really thought i could handle this. i really thought i was mature enough and could be strong enough to be "okay" without him and june for a few months. 

when i am in class, on the bus, doing schoolwork or walking around town, i am fine. it just comes in waves when im not real busy with something. i want to be here, i know this is an awesome opportunity and i wanted it in the first place but i want to be with my family, too. with john and june 

and ive been having nightamres about june and john and i dont know how to stop them. its so frustrating to not be in control of something!!! i will fall asleep feeling pretty okay, not stressing about anything, thinking about what a good day i had and what a good day i will have the next day, but then i wake up from an aweful dream with nobody to console me, and not entirely sure where i am for a while. i really thought i would be okay. turns out ive overestimated myself. that feels pretty shitty, too

 WWWWWAAAAAAA!!!!!! geeze!! im such a crybaby.