Strip? Or File Bankruptcy?

so FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! why is it that I work my ass off, trying to be a model citizen, girlfriend, friend, daughter, student, employee, mommy, and i still get FUCKED!!!!!!!!!??????? what the fuck happened to KARMA?? FUCK karma!!! im a good girl. im fucking honest and sincere and godfuckingdamnit im a good girl. i think i pretty much always have been. i feel like ive made mistakes but have already paid for them in one shape or form or another.

i feel like i need to bitch and ramble and babble for a while. i can look back on it later and see what an idiot ive been. i feel like ive got some fucking story to tell. how original. 

so here it is:

im working while going to school. living on my own (and, contrary to what many may think, up until cali, john has never paid my bills, tuition, books, etc) for nearly 3 years i paid half of everything just from my part time jobs, PLUS my bills PLUS going to school. once in a while hes helped me out (20 bucks here and there). then checker fucking cut back my hours over HALF. that was 2 years ago.

so ANYWAYS.....I fucking couldnt afford health/dental insurance. i shouldve let go of my pride and applied for state med aid. so that when my fucking wisdom teeth started trying to kill me with pain, i WOULDNT HAVE HAD to put nearly 3 grand on a card to have them removed. FUCK. 

,maybe if i was the kind of person that is okay with taking help from the government, taking help from anyone in general, this wouldnt have happened to me. i shouldve been on minensota care a long time ago. i shouldnt told john how bad i was struggling before it got this far. but FUCK! i always thought to myself "you cant be the kind of person that relies on others to get by. to get out of little messes. to pay your way. to take care of you. make mom and dad proud. be independent, and dont take anything from anyone unless you work for it" thats the fucking mentality that got me in this place. 

and if i hadnt had gone to cali. but FUCK i did everything right! i filed all the FAFSA shit, i checked in with the financial aid office there at least once a fucking week to be sure they had all the info they needed and to see if there was anything i could do to speed up the process. no. fuckers! 

then a few years go by and i find myself extremely unhappy. so i decided to move to cali hoping THAT would make me happy. new and warm environment. chill people. family. volunteer work. school. independence...... doesnt make me happy. i do everything right. the financial aid dept at the school in cali FUCKS me and I get no money. so, after racking up my credit cards even MORE trying to survive (and OKAY....spending money on CRAP doing the whole i-feel-like-shit-so-maybe-shopping-will-make-me-feel-better routine....) and maintaining a low A average in school, i decide to cut my losses and go home.

now im on the final part of school (2 years left) and im barely making it by. im just praying that customer service for my credit card companies read the pathetic emails i wrote, begging for some slack, and HAVE A FUCKING HEART! if i had anything to sell for money, i WOULD. if anyone owed me money, id collect. if i could work more, i would. but i cant take 16 credits and work anything more than 15 hrs a week. i cant quit school to work or ill just be struggling for THE REST OF MY LIFE.

so i just have to struggle REALLY BAD for these last two years. but that might not be good enough for discover, capital 1 and citibank. they may want me to suffer. for the rest of my life. 

so, okay, i KNOW im not the only person going thru this. the economy sucks. i guess thats the only thing holding me together. is knowing that LOTS of good, hard-working americans are in the same boat i am. at least i dont have kids. or a mortgage. or a car payment. at least im not ill or disabled. 

i know ill be just fine once im done with school. im just hoping i can make it THRU school. i was informed that my credit card companies can garnish student loans if they need more money from me. FUCK!!!! 

its really hard right now not to hate myself. not to hate the stupid FUCKS that work in the financial aid dept at santa rosa junior college. its easy to think bad thoughts.......but i cant hate the world. i know i did this to myself. but FUCK!!!! did i, really?? 

FUCK if anyone reads this....please email me and tell me how bad YOU have it. or how bad it COULD be. i dont see how it could be worse for a girl whos tried her WHOLE LIFE to stay out of debt trouble, work hard and pay her taxes. and here she is. FUCKED. fuckedfuckedfuckecxdfuckdufkcd

why is it that even though I KNOW billions of others have it worse than me, yet i still feel like its the end of my world? like im the BIGGEST failure. but i also feel like i DONT FUCKING DESERVE THIS!!!!! i want to scream. i want to fucking just flip out

now all this negativity ive been festering in has given me a headache. and i cant cry. wtf. cant cry? and i cant focus. im ranting. ill stop