Revelations

All right now. Incase anyone has been wondering...I think I am begining to really figure some things out for myself. 

I am finally willing to admit that I overreacted to my feelings of anxiety and restelessness in Minnesota. I have realized that what I need to do when I start to feel that way again is to simply do like most folks do and PLAN A VACATION! I dont have to make a giant life-change and up and move across the country to "spread my wings". My wings can only spread for so long and then they need to return to their resting position.  

Just like with most everything, you have to loose something to really appreciate it and realize how important it was. I thought I would have SO many more opportunities in California. That was extremely nieve of me. I also thought I was stronger than I am and thought I could handle so much independence. I am ENJOYING some of it, dont get me wrong. But I need my family! 

John is the most supportive person in my life and truely seems to be the best match for me that can ever be found! I have a new-found trust and sense of security in our relationship. Nothing tangible in our relationship has changed. We have no new "rules" set for eachother. We are treating eachother no differently, really. I just hink I needed time to myself to see how great I really do have it. No ring on the finger, and that may never happen, but Im getting to be more and more okay with that. We really are such good friends and thats the shit that lasts forever. Plus it helps that hes a STUD MUFFIN!

I have come to find that for WHATEVER reason, I try to be tougher than I really am. Im realizing it may be easier for me to just accept that Im a big ol baby, accept that I am an emotional and sensitive woman, and quit acting like Im not! I need to embrace my womanhood, rather than denying the existance of it. 

My thoughts, beliefs and behaviors are begining to change. Im totally cool with that. Its just hard to adjust everything in to allignment. Im begining to think things, and behave in ways that are not congruent with eachother. Its strange but I know its just all a part of growing up and learning from experiences. blah blah. I guess I may just be "maturing".....or whatever ;-)  

I have found that kids dont annoy me quite as much as I THOUGHT they did, or assumed they would. I have more patience than I assumed I had. I enjoy time (in BITS) with children and my favorite part about time with them is TALKING with them and answering their ever curious questions. GOOD GOD BELEIVE IT OR NOT, IM ON THE VERGE OF LIKING CHILDREN!!!!! watch out, the world may be collapsing....dont get all excited, Im not saying I want to BEAR AND REAR children....I just trust myself spending alone time with them now and really dont mind it much. ;-) 

but this doesnt mean anyone can just call me up and ask me to watch their offspring (unless you PAY very well)

I enjoy spending my money on me, spending my time doing whatever I please, having fragile, pretty things spread all about my home, i have a hard enough time handling the stress of my own life so I DONT need another life to worry about, and most of all: I LIKE MY FIGURE AND INTEND TO KEEP IT. heehee. thats probably not the MOST important reason....just another big one. so dont be thinking im going to be popping out babies. 

Now that you fully understand THAT.....I can move on. I have also realized that if I dont get finished with school sometime with in the next two years, I may blow a serious gasket. This shit is getting old. Fast. And I want money! 

So here is my plan of action (oh yes, theres always must be a plan): I am going to enroll in 4 classes at the U of M in Mankato. I am still only going to work about 10 hours at GNC a week, but DAMNIT I need to be done with school!! I need to keep working out at least 3 days a week, and quit watching TV so much. Turns me in to a blob. I also need to be sure to RESIST the tempatation to return to my old smoking habits. Thanks to John it shouldnt be all that hard because he agreed to quit smoking in the house! YAY!! What a guy!

Im sure anyone who ever has visited my house before, or plans to visit again, is ALSO very pleased that there will be no more smoking allowed in the house. Just in the shop. Thats John's territory, his cave, his hangout, his turf, etc...you get the point. 

Thanks for your interest, if you were interested enough to read this nonsense!