isnt it kind of ignorant for us to always relate every song we hear to every situation or relationship in our lives? As if writers made their song JUST for ME. Wow! and i KNOW im not the only one who does that. come on. HA! Human beings are so self-centered.
i was listening to John Mayer last night (REALLY listening for the first time) and thought to myself, "wow. this song is just like when ____ happened." or "wow! this is exactly how IM FEELING, TOO!!" Me and john Mayer must be soul mates!!! HAHA!!! just kidding, of course.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Human Touch
today, charlotte was rubbing the blanket i was curled up in because it is very soft material. the feel of her little hand move across my arm gave me a sudden feel of such emotional comfort. the feeling like when my mom used to rub my back when i was sick or was in pain. yeah, it felt THAT good to me. i realized just how lonely i am getting
i have always known im a snuggly person. i am very physically affectionate and i expect the same from my friends, my dog, family and boyfriend. however, i didnt realize just how important it is to me and how much i need it until today. i have been away from home for nearly a whole month and i am really really starting to feel it.
i live with two 4yr old girls, but they seem to be children who dont feel the need for much physical affection. not like theyre cold or something. they just dont give hugs, kisses and cuddles much. im used to having lots of affection each and every day from my hunny and my junedoggy so im going thru withdrawls.
for example, i asked bailey the other day, "can you come here and sit on my lap so i can snuggle you?" and her response was, "what for?". litterally. she asked me that. i think they are just very idependent in this family. and im very co-dependent.
carla came and visited me yesterday. it was SO good to see her, i had an AWESOME time with her and we giggled listened to music. but i cant snuggle up with her. i cant have her hold me. she cant stroke my head or rub my feet or give me kisses. well, she COULD but....well you know what i am saying
john and i talk several times a day and we have much faith in eachothers love and loyalty. he tells me he loves me, but i would much rather be SHOWN love. and i have to wait 7 more weeks for his touch.
i realize its stupid for me to bitch. IM the one who left. IM the one who made this decision to move across the country for nearly 5 months. im just so dissapointed because i really thought i could handle this. i really thought i was mature enough and could be strong enough to be "okay" without him and june for a few months.
when i am in class, on the bus, doing schoolwork or walking around town, i am fine. it just comes in waves when im not real busy with something. i want to be here, i know this is an awesome opportunity and i wanted it in the first place but i want to be with my family, too. with john and june
and ive been having nightamres about june and john and i dont know how to stop them. its so frustrating to not be in control of something!!! i will fall asleep feeling pretty okay, not stressing about anything, thinking about what a good day i had and what a good day i will have the next day, but then i wake up from an aweful dream with nobody to console me, and not entirely sure where i am for a while. i really thought i would be okay. turns out ive overestimated myself. that feels pretty shitty, too
WWWWWAAAAAAA!!!!!! geeze!! im such a crybaby.
i have always known im a snuggly person. i am very physically affectionate and i expect the same from my friends, my dog, family and boyfriend. however, i didnt realize just how important it is to me and how much i need it until today. i have been away from home for nearly a whole month and i am really really starting to feel it.
i live with two 4yr old girls, but they seem to be children who dont feel the need for much physical affection. not like theyre cold or something. they just dont give hugs, kisses and cuddles much. im used to having lots of affection each and every day from my hunny and my junedoggy so im going thru withdrawls.
for example, i asked bailey the other day, "can you come here and sit on my lap so i can snuggle you?" and her response was, "what for?". litterally. she asked me that. i think they are just very idependent in this family. and im very co-dependent.
carla came and visited me yesterday. it was SO good to see her, i had an AWESOME time with her and we giggled listened to music. but i cant snuggle up with her. i cant have her hold me. she cant stroke my head or rub my feet or give me kisses. well, she COULD but....well you know what i am saying
john and i talk several times a day and we have much faith in eachothers love and loyalty. he tells me he loves me, but i would much rather be SHOWN love. and i have to wait 7 more weeks for his touch.
i realize its stupid for me to bitch. IM the one who left. IM the one who made this decision to move across the country for nearly 5 months. im just so dissapointed because i really thought i could handle this. i really thought i was mature enough and could be strong enough to be "okay" without him and june for a few months.
when i am in class, on the bus, doing schoolwork or walking around town, i am fine. it just comes in waves when im not real busy with something. i want to be here, i know this is an awesome opportunity and i wanted it in the first place but i want to be with my family, too. with john and june
and ive been having nightamres about june and john and i dont know how to stop them. its so frustrating to not be in control of something!!! i will fall asleep feeling pretty okay, not stressing about anything, thinking about what a good day i had and what a good day i will have the next day, but then i wake up from an aweful dream with nobody to console me, and not entirely sure where i am for a while. i really thought i would be okay. turns out ive overestimated myself. that feels pretty shitty, too
WWWWWAAAAAAA!!!!!! geeze!! im such a crybaby.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Aaaahhhh......(sigh of relief)
so everything has worked out!
I am not sure if I will be getting enough financial aid to cover school, but I am blessed with a nearly-perfect boyfriend, and he offered to pay for this one semester if I do not have to funds. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!?! Of course, eventually I will pay him back. Someday after school probably. He has been telling me how proud he is of me and how much he wants me to be happy and to really make it out here, so he is totally supporting me if I need him. That takes a GIANT weight off of my mind!! So I am still on track with school!
I found a place that needs my volunteer work!!! I will be volunteering for up to 8 hours every saturday at a place called McDonald Ranch. It is less than 5 minutes from where I am staying. Bill said he or Christopher will drive me. And if they cannot, I can walk about 3 miles to a place where I can be picked up and dropped off by a shuttle bus.
I will be working with horses and dogs; feeding, grooming, fixing up buildings, etc. They also have chickens and cats but they owner said I do not have to work with them if I dont want to (thank goodness!!!). The ranch is a non-profit organization owned and opperated by a couple who takes in unwanted animals.
When I read about the need for volunteers there, I sent an email out and about 20 minutes later I got a reply! Linda said that she really needs volunteers and donations at this time. Finances are tight so they have two plots of land up for sale!! It sounded like she really needs me so I am so very excited to be of use for a good cause! Plus this way, I get my dog fix!!!!! I miss Junedoggy so much! =(
I am meeting with Linda this Saturday morning to work out the details. YAY!!! I will be taking pictures and posting them as soon as I can. Love you all!
I am not sure if I will be getting enough financial aid to cover school, but I am blessed with a nearly-perfect boyfriend, and he offered to pay for this one semester if I do not have to funds. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!?! Of course, eventually I will pay him back. Someday after school probably. He has been telling me how proud he is of me and how much he wants me to be happy and to really make it out here, so he is totally supporting me if I need him. That takes a GIANT weight off of my mind!! So I am still on track with school!
I found a place that needs my volunteer work!!! I will be volunteering for up to 8 hours every saturday at a place called McDonald Ranch. It is less than 5 minutes from where I am staying. Bill said he or Christopher will drive me. And if they cannot, I can walk about 3 miles to a place where I can be picked up and dropped off by a shuttle bus.
I will be working with horses and dogs; feeding, grooming, fixing up buildings, etc. They also have chickens and cats but they owner said I do not have to work with them if I dont want to (thank goodness!!!). The ranch is a non-profit organization owned and opperated by a couple who takes in unwanted animals.
When I read about the need for volunteers there, I sent an email out and about 20 minutes later I got a reply! Linda said that she really needs volunteers and donations at this time. Finances are tight so they have two plots of land up for sale!! It sounded like she really needs me so I am so very excited to be of use for a good cause! Plus this way, I get my dog fix!!!!! I miss Junedoggy so much! =(
I am meeting with Linda this Saturday morning to work out the details. YAY!!! I will be taking pictures and posting them as soon as I can. Love you all!
Monday, January 21, 2008
IM FREAKING OUT
well, i have only been here two or three weeks, yet i cannot help but have a spazz attack allready! my financial aid is taking forever to get worked out...i had to REAPLY and give all different kinds of proof of income from me AND my parents, and i am worried that this wont get worked out in time for the last day to drop classes! the last day to drop classes and ge redunded is in 5 days. and if i dont have a positive answer that i will be getting enough federal loans by then to cover this semester and my bills, i will need to drop my classes and go home.
another small, but kind of important thing: i only have 5 days to return the textbooks i bought in order to get a full refund!!! i spent just under $300 this semester on books. i dont want to eat that money!!!!
another thing im flipping out about is that i STILL havent been able to get in to an organization around here to do my volunteer work!! youd THINK it wouldnt be so hard. its like this, "look here, i want to give my time to the clients of your organization for FREE! whats the problem?!" but people want a 6 month-year commitment and they cant waiver that because 'its policy". OR the places are just too too far away and i cannot get there by bus and/or walking. also, there has been two organizations i spoke with who "DO NOT NEED MY SERVICES AT THIS TIME". im sure if i wanted to send out mailings, emails, or do filing they would need me. but i really dont want to do that. that SUCKS, ive done it before
so on tuesday i am speaking with the financial aid office about all of this, and im hoping that everything is as it should be and my only concern will be to find volunteer work, or a job. if i dont hear back from any more of the volunteer places i have contacted, i am going to start looking for a part time job somewhere fun. like a flower shop, or a dog groomers, or something. i also have already posted a sign at the local market advertising Dog Walking! i left my phone number AND email, so i hope i get at least ONE response! oh well. probably not.
thanks for taking an interest in my ramblings. think positive thoughts for me!!!!
and if you pray, i guess you could pray for me. what could it hurt, right?
another small, but kind of important thing: i only have 5 days to return the textbooks i bought in order to get a full refund!!! i spent just under $300 this semester on books. i dont want to eat that money!!!!
another thing im flipping out about is that i STILL havent been able to get in to an organization around here to do my volunteer work!! youd THINK it wouldnt be so hard. its like this, "look here, i want to give my time to the clients of your organization for FREE! whats the problem?!" but people want a 6 month-year commitment and they cant waiver that because 'its policy". OR the places are just too too far away and i cannot get there by bus and/or walking. also, there has been two organizations i spoke with who "DO NOT NEED MY SERVICES AT THIS TIME". im sure if i wanted to send out mailings, emails, or do filing they would need me. but i really dont want to do that. that SUCKS, ive done it before
so on tuesday i am speaking with the financial aid office about all of this, and im hoping that everything is as it should be and my only concern will be to find volunteer work, or a job. if i dont hear back from any more of the volunteer places i have contacted, i am going to start looking for a part time job somewhere fun. like a flower shop, or a dog groomers, or something. i also have already posted a sign at the local market advertising Dog Walking! i left my phone number AND email, so i hope i get at least ONE response! oh well. probably not.
thanks for taking an interest in my ramblings. think positive thoughts for me!!!!
and if you pray, i guess you could pray for me. what could it hurt, right?
Saturday, January 19, 2008
College Bullshit
its frustrating to me that i pay for a service and then i have NO CONTROL over this service i am paying for!! i thought maybe things would be different in California, but i was wrong. its the same shit.
you pay a ridiculous amount of money for your books which the school "requires" you to buy, however when you get to class, you find that MOST teachers (not all) will blab on and on, giving you notes to take about the same stuff you wasted your time reading in the book, taking notes on the previous night! it seems so redundant.
and it seems to me that most the other students in the class are taking notes the ENTIRE class period, telling the teacher, "wait! im not done with that overhead yet!" when i have ALLREADY been through it all and i am ready to move on to a new topic!
and then HEAVEN FORBID i miss a day of class! F-you! its MY loss, not YOURS if i miss a day of school. and APPARENTLY its not even a loss at all because everything the teacher goes over in class, i have already read and taken notes on!! they still feel its appropriate to doc me points when a class is missed. bastards.
i feel as though i should just QUIT wasting my money on these expensive, useless textbooks and just keep going to class every day and take notes.
enough bitching. im done.
you pay a ridiculous amount of money for your books which the school "requires" you to buy, however when you get to class, you find that MOST teachers (not all) will blab on and on, giving you notes to take about the same stuff you wasted your time reading in the book, taking notes on the previous night! it seems so redundant.
and it seems to me that most the other students in the class are taking notes the ENTIRE class period, telling the teacher, "wait! im not done with that overhead yet!" when i have ALLREADY been through it all and i am ready to move on to a new topic!
and then HEAVEN FORBID i miss a day of class! F-you! its MY loss, not YOURS if i miss a day of school. and APPARENTLY its not even a loss at all because everything the teacher goes over in class, i have already read and taken notes on!! they still feel its appropriate to doc me points when a class is missed. bastards.
i feel as though i should just QUIT wasting my money on these expensive, useless textbooks and just keep going to class every day and take notes.
enough bitching. im done.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
What Beauty Nature Offers....
man oh man! i just got back from such a beautiful walk/hike. i left the house at about 12:30 this afternoon with a backpack full of food, water, my camera and my phone. my 4 yr old cousin, Bailey, asked me if i needed any rope. lol. then she reminded me not to fall off the mountain and waved me goodbye. i knew there was a state park (Annadell State Park) a mile or so from where i am currently living, but i wasnt quite sure how to get there. well, i stopped somewhere and got directions and found my way.
with my new pink and black hiking backpack snuggly hugging my waist, i was off on an adventrure! everything is so green here. i will have pictures posted sometime by next week when i get my usb cable in the mail from john. within 15 min of my walk to the park, the sky cleared a wonderful blue and the sun shone warm and bright!
i decided to take a trail that went around Spring Lake. the locals told me its a beautiful scenic walk. WRONG! the lake was brown and the islands in it were full of dead trees and grass. i guess we really have it good in minnesota with our wonderful blue lakewater! so then i took a trail that went weaving through the woods surrounding the lake. that was much better. the grass was SO bright green. green like grass-in-the-springtime-green grass. it was all still covered in dew since the fog had just been burned off by the sun. the moss on the oak trees was shining in this sun, and the moss hanging from the branches was blowing softly in the breeze. it was HEAVEN!
so that was my adventure today. it was so cool to be able to just walk out the front door with a bag packed and head for the hills! LITERALLY!! i didnt care that i was all by myself. it was nice, actually. i could stop and stare at something if it were to catch my eye. i could stand around like a tourist/moron and take pictures of the scenery. i could putz all i like bc i was all by myself. that part of it was really nice. it also felt really good to not worry about where to park, how much gas i will use to get there, or if i will get lost driving around. in some cases its easier to get around without a car. but most importantly, its empowering to just get around by using your own two feet!!
i took as many pictures as i could, but at one point (just when i was getting SUPER excited about all the cool pictures i would have) my camera told me i was out of memory space!!! and i forgot to bring my big memory card to cali with me, i realized. DAMN and BLAST!!! so that pissed me off enough to make me head home. i thought, "whats the point in viewing all of this beauty if i cant even share it with anyone later?" plus, knowing me, i would forget most of what i saw, too. so i got home at about 3:00 (my time) and i am ready for a nap. i will venture out again when i get my big memory card in the mail.
im excited to share all my pictures with you all!!
thanks for taking the time to read!
me
with my new pink and black hiking backpack snuggly hugging my waist, i was off on an adventrure! everything is so green here. i will have pictures posted sometime by next week when i get my usb cable in the mail from john. within 15 min of my walk to the park, the sky cleared a wonderful blue and the sun shone warm and bright!
i decided to take a trail that went around Spring Lake. the locals told me its a beautiful scenic walk. WRONG! the lake was brown and the islands in it were full of dead trees and grass. i guess we really have it good in minnesota with our wonderful blue lakewater! so then i took a trail that went weaving through the woods surrounding the lake. that was much better. the grass was SO bright green. green like grass-in-the-springtime-green grass. it was all still covered in dew since the fog had just been burned off by the sun. the moss on the oak trees was shining in this sun, and the moss hanging from the branches was blowing softly in the breeze. it was HEAVEN!
so that was my adventure today. it was so cool to be able to just walk out the front door with a bag packed and head for the hills! LITERALLY!! i didnt care that i was all by myself. it was nice, actually. i could stop and stare at something if it were to catch my eye. i could stand around like a tourist/moron and take pictures of the scenery. i could putz all i like bc i was all by myself. that part of it was really nice. it also felt really good to not worry about where to park, how much gas i will use to get there, or if i will get lost driving around. in some cases its easier to get around without a car. but most importantly, its empowering to just get around by using your own two feet!!
i took as many pictures as i could, but at one point (just when i was getting SUPER excited about all the cool pictures i would have) my camera told me i was out of memory space!!! and i forgot to bring my big memory card to cali with me, i realized. DAMN and BLAST!!! so that pissed me off enough to make me head home. i thought, "whats the point in viewing all of this beauty if i cant even share it with anyone later?" plus, knowing me, i would forget most of what i saw, too. so i got home at about 3:00 (my time) and i am ready for a nap. i will venture out again when i get my big memory card in the mail.
im excited to share all my pictures with you all!!
thanks for taking the time to read!
me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
