Im Bailing Ship! SHIT!

i love it here. i truely do. the people are nice. the weather is nice. im getting good grades. theres plenty to do. ive made a great friend. but im moving home. my flight comes in at 6:30am on april 3rd. early, right? i know. that was the cheapest flight. can you blame me?

its a long story and if anyone gives a shit they can ask me about it when i come home

or not

you know, taking $1,700 up the ass in tuition costs and $300 for books, leaving my As and Bs to get dropped to Fs to completely FUCK my cummulative GPA wasnt what i had intened on. but dwelling on it will only make it harder for me to come home with positive feelings and a positive direction. 

i guess this is just one of those things in life that happeneds sometimes. ive been trying so hard for so long to make the right choices and do what i feel is right for my future. but im so burned out now. my brain has been giving up. seriously. it needs a break for a while. i need to figure out why i cannot be a consistantly happy person. 

everyone is telling me to just stick it out but i just cant. theres a lot of details involved in why that is. but it all boils down to this: IM FREAKING OUT MAN!!! i need to be home where its safe, consistant, and low-key so i can sort out the mess that is my brain. 

and you know, moving to cali for a while wasnt a wasted experience. ive learned a lot about myself. and ive learned im having a hard time dealing with every day stress. ive learned im very close to tipping off the edge of sanity.....

learned that theres nothing wrong with my LIFE in minnesota, or the choices i am MAKING in minnesota, etc. the problem is all in my head. dont worry, im not turning schizo! i have NO paranoid dillusions, here. i am seeing what is happeneing to me (inside my mind) and i know i need to begin fixing it for REAL. right now. i cant keep running about the country whenever i feel depressed or anxious. 

you know, i can think of a MILLION reasons why i SHOULD be the happiest person ever. here, i shall list just a few off the top of my head: great man, great family, friends, dog, car thats reliable, no real financial woes(BECAUSE of my great boyfirend), i have a job that i enjoy (GNC), i get good grades in school, i have a FUTURE (because im getting good grades in school), i like my neighborhood, im having a baby neice being born soon, im not fat, im not ugly, im not dying, im a socialable person and would like to think that i am generally a likable person and a good friend.....SEE. i can LIST them!

i can list everything that should make me so happy, yet im NOT so happy. im a mess. that will follow me no matter where i go. i didnt realize how bad it was till living out here for a while.

right now, i can only think of ONE real reason to be unhappy. thats just bc im flushing this semester down the toilet. whatever,. big deal. some people have flushed YEARS of school down the toilet and still have to pay for it. and i was feeling really shitty long before i decided to cut all ties with this school and move back home.

there must be something that needs changing inside of my brain if when changing my environment, im STILL feeling the way i do. i still feel the way i did before i moved to california. i was only really "happy" here for the first three weeks. since then ive really been unwraveling, man. 

i am so excited to see my michelle. she always makes me laugh, smile, feel good about myself and we always have a blast whenever we are together!! 

and im so excited to be at home where things are normal. ill have my job back, my quiet home back, my man and doggy to snuggle with at night, and TIME. i will have TIME to get better before i start school again in the fall.

to anyone who has a really hard time understanding anxiety disorders, panic disorders or depression....think of it this way: the parts of my brain that are supposed to proccess emotions, regulate moods and just keep a person generally happy, are MALFUNCTIONING. its partially in my control, but its kind of like having a kidney disease, we'll say. if you have a bad kidney youve gotta make healthy choices, TRY to keep a positive attitude, and take some medication. ones brain, like a kidney, is also a vital organ in ones body that can quit working properly. 

please excuse me if im not quite "myself" for a while after i move home. im not drinking anymore and i quit smoking cigarettes. im refusing to involve myself or expose myself to any negativity because i seriously just cant deal with it at this point. john was telling me about what had been happening this most recent season of "NipTuck" and it really made me feel dirty, icky, depressed and sad. its just a stupid TV SHOW but i couldnt handle hearing about it. i dont know why i ever watched that show. no more of that shit for me, man! 

its like ive been in permanent PMS mode the last year and a half but its just been getting WAY worse the last few months. i just figure that if everyone knows exactly whats going on, nobody will be needing to worry about it and come up with their own explanations. ive always been a pretty upfront and honest person. 

so there you have it. i have fallen apart but im actively trying to put myself back together. boy. could this GET any more dramatic?!?!

johns grilling us steaks right now. he bought a little george forman because bill and chris dont have a grill of any sort. john really is my hero, isnt he? hes been trying so hard keep being forgiving of me every time i get upset and fall to bits when he says something that rubs me the wrong way and/or hurts my feelings. poor guy. he just really cant do anything right lately!! hes trying to understand me but i dont even understand me.