Im Bailing Ship! SHIT!

i love it here. i truely do. the people are nice. the weather is nice. im getting good grades. theres plenty to do. ive made a great friend. but im moving home. my flight comes in at 6:30am on april 3rd. early, right? i know. that was the cheapest flight. can you blame me?

its a long story and if anyone gives a shit they can ask me about it when i come home

or not

you know, taking $1,700 up the ass in tuition costs and $300 for books, leaving my As and Bs to get dropped to Fs to completely FUCK my cummulative GPA wasnt what i had intened on. but dwelling on it will only make it harder for me to come home with positive feelings and a positive direction. 

i guess this is just one of those things in life that happeneds sometimes. ive been trying so hard for so long to make the right choices and do what i feel is right for my future. but im so burned out now. my brain has been giving up. seriously. it needs a break for a while. i need to figure out why i cannot be a consistantly happy person. 

everyone is telling me to just stick it out but i just cant. theres a lot of details involved in why that is. but it all boils down to this: IM FREAKING OUT MAN!!! i need to be home where its safe, consistant, and low-key so i can sort out the mess that is my brain. 

and you know, moving to cali for a while wasnt a wasted experience. ive learned a lot about myself. and ive learned im having a hard time dealing with every day stress. ive learned im very close to tipping off the edge of sanity.....

learned that theres nothing wrong with my LIFE in minnesota, or the choices i am MAKING in minnesota, etc. the problem is all in my head. dont worry, im not turning schizo! i have NO paranoid dillusions, here. i am seeing what is happeneing to me (inside my mind) and i know i need to begin fixing it for REAL. right now. i cant keep running about the country whenever i feel depressed or anxious. 

you know, i can think of a MILLION reasons why i SHOULD be the happiest person ever. here, i shall list just a few off the top of my head: great man, great family, friends, dog, car thats reliable, no real financial woes(BECAUSE of my great boyfirend), i have a job that i enjoy (GNC), i get good grades in school, i have a FUTURE (because im getting good grades in school), i like my neighborhood, im having a baby neice being born soon, im not fat, im not ugly, im not dying, im a socialable person and would like to think that i am generally a likable person and a good friend.....SEE. i can LIST them!

i can list everything that should make me so happy, yet im NOT so happy. im a mess. that will follow me no matter where i go. i didnt realize how bad it was till living out here for a while.

right now, i can only think of ONE real reason to be unhappy. thats just bc im flushing this semester down the toilet. whatever,. big deal. some people have flushed YEARS of school down the toilet and still have to pay for it. and i was feeling really shitty long before i decided to cut all ties with this school and move back home.

there must be something that needs changing inside of my brain if when changing my environment, im STILL feeling the way i do. i still feel the way i did before i moved to california. i was only really "happy" here for the first three weeks. since then ive really been unwraveling, man. 

i am so excited to see my michelle. she always makes me laugh, smile, feel good about myself and we always have a blast whenever we are together!! 

and im so excited to be at home where things are normal. ill have my job back, my quiet home back, my man and doggy to snuggle with at night, and TIME. i will have TIME to get better before i start school again in the fall.

to anyone who has a really hard time understanding anxiety disorders, panic disorders or depression....think of it this way: the parts of my brain that are supposed to proccess emotions, regulate moods and just keep a person generally happy, are MALFUNCTIONING. its partially in my control, but its kind of like having a kidney disease, we'll say. if you have a bad kidney youve gotta make healthy choices, TRY to keep a positive attitude, and take some medication. ones brain, like a kidney, is also a vital organ in ones body that can quit working properly. 

please excuse me if im not quite "myself" for a while after i move home. im not drinking anymore and i quit smoking cigarettes. im refusing to involve myself or expose myself to any negativity because i seriously just cant deal with it at this point. john was telling me about what had been happening this most recent season of "NipTuck" and it really made me feel dirty, icky, depressed and sad. its just a stupid TV SHOW but i couldnt handle hearing about it. i dont know why i ever watched that show. no more of that shit for me, man! 

its like ive been in permanent PMS mode the last year and a half but its just been getting WAY worse the last few months. i just figure that if everyone knows exactly whats going on, nobody will be needing to worry about it and come up with their own explanations. ive always been a pretty upfront and honest person. 

so there you have it. i have fallen apart but im actively trying to put myself back together. boy. could this GET any more dramatic?!?!

johns grilling us steaks right now. he bought a little george forman because bill and chris dont have a grill of any sort. john really is my hero, isnt he? hes been trying so hard keep being forgiving of me every time i get upset and fall to bits when he says something that rubs me the wrong way and/or hurts my feelings. poor guy. he just really cant do anything right lately!! hes trying to understand me but i dont even understand me.

WOW

you know you live in a way-too-nice neighborhood when you are greatly impressed by the sight of a man mowing his own lawn.

i know it was his own lawn because its saturday afternoon. and he was dressed all nice-like. and he just didnt look like he was part of jose's yard service. thats seriously the only lawn care team ive seen in this neighborhood. they come like worker bees during the day and people come home to magically perfect lawns and clean streets. its kinda strange

JESUS?!

another visit from jesus christ and his twin brother........

FIRST of all, why are "the wittnesses" always MEN coming around to bang bibles?? wierd. i just noticed that. OR maybe ive just never SEEN a female one. if anyone whos reading this is "a witness", can you please explain to me your religion? i would honestly research it myself but ive been doing lots of research for my abnormal psych class and i just really dont feel like it....

secondly, the dudes were WEARING NAMETAGS THAT SAID "JESUS CHRIST" ON THEM!!!!!!! ha! i opened the door and thats the first thing i saw!! can you IMAGINE?! so i laughed, looked up at the poor saps and told them theyd better move on to the next door. HA! its so funny to me for some reason....

i know what theyre doing is a good, positive thing, and blahblahblah but damnit, its just as ANNOYING as girlscouts and other door-to-door salespeople! OH! i just figured it out, i think...so the reason why Ive never seen a female "wittness" is because you have to be just like christ to spread "the word"? so you have to have a...ummm....PENIS?! HA! whatever. im over it. 

if i were them id say something to me like, "yeah? well, at least i HAVE a religion!" and id simply say, "good point. but i am working on that, you know. i just want to find a religion that wont make me feel like CRAP about myself and make me think that everything i do is DIRTY and EVIL!" plus, ive got enough to worry about, man. 

bitter? party of one? mmhmm!

Oh yeah?! Take THAT!!

tonight a 5 yr old nearly broke my heart!! I asked Bailey, "Do you wanna come sit by me and talk while I put my puzzle together?" (bc she usually likes doing that and YES Im such a dork, Im still doin my puzzles-but not nearly as obsessively as I have in the past)

anywho....so Bailey responded with, "No. I wanna hang out with my daddy. Hes more funner." Yeah, I KNOW!! OUCH, right?

I preteneded like it didnt bug me, I shrugged my shoulders and said, "whatever" (like a 5 yr old would say to something like that) But it really hurt my little feelings! I have been putting a big effort in to paying attention to these girls and I have NEVER raised my voice to them! and I wanted to say something like, "well FINE! Then Im not going to play with you anymore! How bout that? If Im no fun anyways, then you really shouldnt MIND!" or what if I was like, "well, okay then. we shall see who gets DESERT next time you get babysat?? Huh?! How do ya like THAT?!"

Im losing it

Revelations

All right now. Incase anyone has been wondering...I think I am begining to really figure some things out for myself. 

I am finally willing to admit that I overreacted to my feelings of anxiety and restelessness in Minnesota. I have realized that what I need to do when I start to feel that way again is to simply do like most folks do and PLAN A VACATION! I dont have to make a giant life-change and up and move across the country to "spread my wings". My wings can only spread for so long and then they need to return to their resting position.  

Just like with most everything, you have to loose something to really appreciate it and realize how important it was. I thought I would have SO many more opportunities in California. That was extremely nieve of me. I also thought I was stronger than I am and thought I could handle so much independence. I am ENJOYING some of it, dont get me wrong. But I need my family! 

John is the most supportive person in my life and truely seems to be the best match for me that can ever be found! I have a new-found trust and sense of security in our relationship. Nothing tangible in our relationship has changed. We have no new "rules" set for eachother. We are treating eachother no differently, really. I just hink I needed time to myself to see how great I really do have it. No ring on the finger, and that may never happen, but Im getting to be more and more okay with that. We really are such good friends and thats the shit that lasts forever. Plus it helps that hes a STUD MUFFIN!

I have come to find that for WHATEVER reason, I try to be tougher than I really am. Im realizing it may be easier for me to just accept that Im a big ol baby, accept that I am an emotional and sensitive woman, and quit acting like Im not! I need to embrace my womanhood, rather than denying the existance of it. 

My thoughts, beliefs and behaviors are begining to change. Im totally cool with that. Its just hard to adjust everything in to allignment. Im begining to think things, and behave in ways that are not congruent with eachother. Its strange but I know its just all a part of growing up and learning from experiences. blah blah. I guess I may just be "maturing".....or whatever ;-)  

I have found that kids dont annoy me quite as much as I THOUGHT they did, or assumed they would. I have more patience than I assumed I had. I enjoy time (in BITS) with children and my favorite part about time with them is TALKING with them and answering their ever curious questions. GOOD GOD BELEIVE IT OR NOT, IM ON THE VERGE OF LIKING CHILDREN!!!!! watch out, the world may be collapsing....dont get all excited, Im not saying I want to BEAR AND REAR children....I just trust myself spending alone time with them now and really dont mind it much. ;-) 

but this doesnt mean anyone can just call me up and ask me to watch their offspring (unless you PAY very well)

I enjoy spending my money on me, spending my time doing whatever I please, having fragile, pretty things spread all about my home, i have a hard enough time handling the stress of my own life so I DONT need another life to worry about, and most of all: I LIKE MY FIGURE AND INTEND TO KEEP IT. heehee. thats probably not the MOST important reason....just another big one. so dont be thinking im going to be popping out babies. 

Now that you fully understand THAT.....I can move on. I have also realized that if I dont get finished with school sometime with in the next two years, I may blow a serious gasket. This shit is getting old. Fast. And I want money! 

So here is my plan of action (oh yes, theres always must be a plan): I am going to enroll in 4 classes at the U of M in Mankato. I am still only going to work about 10 hours at GNC a week, but DAMNIT I need to be done with school!! I need to keep working out at least 3 days a week, and quit watching TV so much. Turns me in to a blob. I also need to be sure to RESIST the tempatation to return to my old smoking habits. Thanks to John it shouldnt be all that hard because he agreed to quit smoking in the house! YAY!! What a guy!

Im sure anyone who ever has visited my house before, or plans to visit again, is ALSO very pleased that there will be no more smoking allowed in the house. Just in the shop. Thats John's territory, his cave, his hangout, his turf, etc...you get the point. 

Thanks for your interest, if you were interested enough to read this nonsense!

Dreams and Reality

so last night i had a dream that actually made sense for once. it was one of those dreams thats too easy to interpret in to reality, you know? here, i will tell you

DREAM: i took the wrong bus and ended up in san francisco instead of at school. and i had no cash to get back to santa rosa

REALITY: ive been thinking a LOT and worrying a lot about how to get john and michelle to santa rosa for cheap bc my uncles dont want to drive to san fran to pick them up from the airport. at first i thought it would cost 30 bucks one way to get them here!! ALSO, i have no way of getting cash unless i bother my uncles by writing them a check for cash. it SUCKS going out and only having a credit card to use! surprisingly, in CA i cant use my card at many places. and its a VISA!

DREAM: my backpack that i had with me weighed so much that i could barely pick it up off the seat to strap it on! and when i DID, it hurt my back really bad and kept making me fall backwards in the middle of the bus isle! 

REALITY: ive been SUPER stressing bc i havent gotten an answer back from financial aid yet about my student loans. im not sure how im paying for school yet. john said hes going to pay for it if i dont get enough loans, but i dont want that kind of personal debt hanging above my head! hes my boyfriend, not my banker. but Ive been going along, taking my classes, doing all the work,taking all the test, HATING one of my teachers, all the while stressed about it. 

DREAM: there was a super cute bassett hound on the bus that wouldnt leave me alone. it had really dirty ears and i was scratching them, trying to get all the dirt out and ease its missery a bit. i was trying to explain to the owner the importance of keeping a dogs ears clean (especially a bassetts!) and i wished i had the proper cleaning solution with me so i could make this doggy feel better.

REALITY: the bassett hound is my favorite hound. i miss my junedog and miss taking care of her. john takes EXCELLENT care of her, but i enjoy doing that, its my job and i miss it all. i also miss carsons doggies (bassetts) and cant wait to come home!!!!!

So I Got a Massage....

so the guy who gave me my massage (who happened to look like Usher and Seals' lovechild) kept calling me Gabby, which was extremely annoying, but you know how when people mispronounce your name, you feel bad for THEM (bc you know when it happeneds to YOU its terribly embarrassing) so I didnt say anything to him. I just became Gabby....anywho....it was SO nice to be touched by another human being! 

this all goes back to my blog from a few weeks ago. when he was massaging my arms and moved down to my hands/fingers, I had a sudden strange urge to grasp his hand in mine. wierd, I know. it wasnt anything sexual. Anyone who knows me well knows that Im not even attracted to anyone of the opposite race. not in a racist way, I just dont find other ethnicities attractive (in general). it felt SO GOOD and it just made me look forward to seeing John in two weeks!!!!! I just cant wait Ill pee my pants in excitement!!!!

So I was lucky and had a coupon dealyding. I got an HOUR long massage for only 40 bucks!! the lovechild was a bit too chatty, though. asked too many questions. "so where are you from?", "what brings you here", "what are you in school for?", "what kind of classes are you taking?", "where do you live?", "want me to stick my dick in you?" HA GOTCHYA! just seeing if you were paying attention....but and I was too tired and in to the massage to ask him to be quiet so I just gave him short and to-the-point answers, hoping he'd catch on. he wasnt too bright....

oh well. at least the massage only cost me 40 bucks! I cant wait for john to come see me so I can get one for FREE!! heehee. 

oh, AND we are going to a SPA overnight and each getting massages together. How cool is that?! I had too much coffee at the ranch so Im feeling chatty....maybe I should just call hunny....

LATER! (to whomever had just read my babblings)