I'm in Peru, baby!!

Since the day I left for Peru, I have been writing spontaneous entries in my journal…. The following is a wrap-up of all I have deemed significant, comical, or interesting enough to post in a blog.
Before I return home I shall most likely post another. Hope I don’t disappoint!! Thank goodness for spell-check; I have atrocious spelling skills!
Oh, and the spaces between paragraphs indicate a lapse in minutes or hours, not days….

5-16-10
“Waiting at the Terminal”
On the way to the airport, at approx 6am on Sunday, John and I witnessed a deer on the shoulder of 35W struggling relentlessly to get up on her two busted-in-to-multiple-pieces front legs. Is that some sort of bad omen?? Should I be concerned? Trying not to be a drama queen about it, but inside I’m quite thoroughly disturbed…. Regardless of my freakish feelings concerning the possible “bad omen”, at this time of the morning the last thing one wishes to experience is the sight of a living creature experiencing horrendous suffering before (hopefully) being shot in the head by a nice police officer man. I’m telling myself that the deer has such an incredible amount of adrenaline rushing through her that she cannot feel a bit of the pain….

I love fartin around at airports. I always bring/buy a book to read buy usually only get about ¼ through the first chapter. Airports always offer wonderful grounds for people-watching! Ah, the diversity….Grown men should never wear pink pants, especially not with a navy suit-coat for cryin out loud! Or unless one is homeless…Okay, maybe there are many other exceptions to my rule…. Whatever. What am I? The fashion police?! Just saw a group of good-lookin black men that Jeanette would go NUTS for!

“On the Plane to Peru!”
Watched “Invicitus” for FREE! Yeeeeah! Note to self: movie much worth watching with John, extremely inspiring and all around feel-good. What’s-his-nuts who plays Nelson Mandella does a great job, based on what I have learned about Mandella; how he treats others, his history, demeanor, etc. John should know about this man. Everyone should.

5-17-10
“8:30am in Lima Hotel”
I noticed last night, on the way home from Lima airport, many billboards and various large public ads feature white models with long, thin, and straight hair. WTF? You’d think that in their own country they could at least be bombarded with ads that feature models of their own skin color/ethnicity. I’m absolutely positive there are many willing and WORTHY men/women in South America to work as models. I am a cynic, I know….but I am willing to bet this is because….WHO owns all these large companies?! That’s right! Whities!! White MEN to be more specific. I know there are many women nowadays working their way in to corporate America, CEOS, etc…. But I can think of no other logical explanation at this point. I have seen many many many beautiful Peruvians. COME. ON. Now, I am not saying that there aren’t Peruvians who own successful businesses, I am talking about big-name brands such as Pampers, Pantene, Nextel, Nestle, Coca-Cola (same thing), etc. Oh yes. You bet your ass I’m taking note, making lists. I am THE queen of lists.
Scrumptious breakfast buffet at this place. Coffee rocks. So do the mini-magical croissants! Mmmm and fruit and toast and stuff. Yeah buddy.

I have been watching Spanish TV most of the morning/evening with my roomie in the hotel. Spanish cable networks DO utilize mostly Latin-looking models in their TV commercials….NOTED.

Tonight, had awesome food and watched an awesome traditional Peruvian dance/music show at a VERY fancy-dancy restaurant in Lima! FREE – included in ISA program. So far, impressed with ISA director (Gabby) and co-directory (Andy). This place was top notch dude.

5-18-10
“At the Hotel after the Bus/Museum Tour”
Oy. Also, Offdah. Has been another long an crazy day! Had amazing food AGAIN. Went to a restaurant in Lima with the group. Had an awesome ravioli stuffed with cheese and spinach and covered in delicious mushroom sauce and fresh-grated cheese. Touched the tip of my tongue to a red pepper off someone’s Ceviche (traditional Peruvian sea-food dish, fresh off the coast). BIG mistake. Muy picante holy CRAP!
Having a rather difficult time getting enough oxygen here. We are at sea level, so it’s not that the air itself that lacks oxygen. Although it’s winter here, and the temp only gets to about 65 degrees, it is extremely humid (98%). I think the humid and smog-cloaked air is causing my shortness of breath…. Oh well. Too many distractions to really care at this point! Better just take it easy….

Screw it, I feel like shit. I’m ordering room service. Actually costs less to eat room service than at the famous Peruvian fast-food place (“Bembos”). Chicken noodle soup and Inca Kola sounds perfecto. Mmmm…..I heart Inca Kola! Tastes like cream soda to me. Good bubbliness makes me burb. Nice. Room service totaled s/16.50, which is about $6. Sweeeeeet. First time ordering room service!!

I don’t feel like shit anymore! That’s a good thing since 3am leaving for airport to Cusco will come fast!

5-19-10
“On Plane to Cusco”
Lucky ducky! I got a window seat!

Cried like a baby flying over the Andes at FREAKIN SUNSET!!!!!!! Are you KIDDING ME with this shit?!?!?! I’m so blessed. Incredible. I’m SO glad I didn’t continue to limit myself and my options for this one life I have. And all along the way, things just kind of worked out. SO many things could have gone WAY wrong. I had to jump many hurdles to get here and I am feeling an overwhelming sense of, not only spiritual intensity, but pride in myself for getting me here.

“En mi Nuevo Casa en Cusco”
Breath-taking, tear-jerking views. Apparently there is something like an “orphanage” in my backyard….consists of a soccer field and a few large stucco buildings that look like warehouses….sheep, crops, a few various flower gardens. Trying to communicate with Mama (Nany) because she habla muy poco Inlges and yo hablo muy poco Espanol. Will be good for me, however. Will force me to really work on it! Mama and Gabriel (Gabo, my host father) picked us up at airport in Cusco. Gabo speaks excellent English. Something about Nany just compels me to call her Mama already. She exudes warmth and mom-like energy.
I have two housemates from the US, both attend Mississippi University together as Anthropologist students. I have my own room. WHAT?! That’s right! RockIN!!! As I was settling in, and my roomies were takin naps, I heard a pan flute being played outside. Looked out the window and witnessed a man walking a bike along the street, playing random notes on his flute. VERY cool. Host parents are seriously sweet as pie and I can already tell they have great sense of humour! YAY! They appear to be modern/non-traditional Peruvians. They are a re-married couple each with two children who attend Universities in Lima and Cusco (live outside the home). I hope I get to meet at least few of them at some point.

5-20-10
“Muy Enfermo”
Oy, I’ve been very ill. Altitude sickness (“Soroche”) kicking my ass.

Host father (Gabo) has “Black Betty” as a ring-tone for his cellphone. How kick ASS is THAT?! Did I mention that Mama gives GREAT hugs? Came in to wake me this morning with a big ol hug in bed. I heart Mama. She also gave me Limon tea (Mate de Limon) in bed.

21, 5, 10
Started classes today. I am VERY lucky because both my classes are in one building (actually an old Spanish-colonial house with two open courtyards). Some students have to trek about 15/20 minutes across town in between classes. There is a Café adjoining the street/school. Looks like it has affordable prices and a great menu with plenty of options. This place is great!! Classes are on second floor. To get there we go up the stairs and then across some wood planks on a type of cat-walk overlooking the main courtyard with a tree.
Spanish is taught all in Spanish. OY! REALLY wish ISA would have told me their website and their brochure LIES when it says taught in English…. Oh well. I was pissed for about 10 min but I’m over it now. This will make me learn faster. Also, at least I am HERE and learning Spanish as intended! All will be well. My classmates are great and answer the questions I have (teacher doesn’t seem to know much English and answers my questions in mostly-Spanish Spanglish). Oh, btw my Spanish teacher wants us to date things as they do here in Peru, so I am getting myself in the habit….(DD/MM/YY).
My other class, Peruvian culture, seems like it will be very interesting and great fun. My professor is French, but he has been living in Cusco for many many years. He is an anthropologist. Has been all over the world. Probably his written many books and been part of many great things. I think he started the school. AND he owns the Tinku Café in the bottom floor of school. His dog, a golden named Cory (in the indigenous language of the outer villages it means “Gold”) is at school all day, begging for scraps. Cory is super sweet. Reminds me a lot of June. Loves to beg, get pet, sniff, and sleep. I think I will LOVE IT here!

22, 5, 10
“In Town Below Machu Picchu”
So I have no idea what the name of this town is…. But it is the last tourist village before taking a bus to the ruins. Had to take a taxi, then a bus, then a train to get here. Wow. Amazing village tucked in between GINORMOUS mountains covered in moss and vines. There is a river going through town. Beautious. Narrow and STEEP walking-only streets made of brick/stone single way to get around here; small place.
I feel so emotional and spiritual since in Peru! Casey said he would pray with me in Machu Picchu. Since I have been feeling a calling to pray (to whom/what/how/what about, I have only the slightest inkling), I feel I cannot ignore it. I have been lost in my faith for many years; since shortly after leaving Treehouse. Sometimes I really want to believe, other times, logic and cynicism takes over and I cannot bring myself to take any of it seriously. Casey takes Christianity very seriously and a few of us have had some great conversations/debates on religious topics. LOVE. IT. I’m worried I will fall apart once in the ruins. I’ve been blubbering away (happy tears) at the drop of a hat lately!

After dinner at a local restaurant (which consisted of great food, drinks, and MANY MANY laughs), I went with the ISA group to the “natural hot springs” tonight…. I’m sorry to say they were rather disappointing. The “natural” “hot” “springs” are actually a series of concrete hot tubs set in a large concrete pad in the mountains (cue Pink Floyd to play in background – for real). The view above/around was great!! We were completely outdoors and literally right in the crevasse of mountains. However, we could not see (only hear) the river that flowed down-hill beside us because of the high concrete walls. Also, by the time we got there, the water was slightly warm. Not remotely hot. However, that was OUR fault for not getting there sooner in the day. Supposedly the water is brought in daily from the hot springs. I smell bullshit….Maybe not. AGAIN, I am an admitted cynic. Lol.

As I am falling asleep in the hotel room I can hear live Andean music somewhere outside. Great background to fall asleep to….

MORE TO COME!!!!

I hate feeling so American

Wow. I really need to get informed. I have NO idea what's happening outside of my wee world. How awful. I'm going to be a social worker. What kind of social worker am I going to be if I don't even know the current struggles of other human beings? I'm feeling a bit ashamed of myself at this moment....Gotta fix this!!

The Freshman WHA????

This semester, a young woman (20 years old) in one of my courses brought up this phenomenon that has been given then title of, “Freshman 15.” This female student thought it could be a good community service project for us to enter the dorms and educate the female population of the dangers of this “Freshman 15.” This female student felt that we should educate girls about healthy eating habits and exercise because of this “widespread issue.” I honestly had no idea what she was talking about so I asked her for some clarification. Apparently, the “Freshman 15” is the term used to describe the weight (supposedly 15lbs, on average) that freshman girls gain their first year in college, away from home. My initial feelings were irritation at the fact that this young female (and another classmate) truly found this subject to be of great importance to many young women! The more I have thought about the experience I had in class that day, the more I find it to be both horrific and infuriating.

First of all, if at least two female students feel that the “Freshman 15” (from now on I will refer to it as the “F#”) is such a “widespread problem,” I wonder how many other students are concerned about it. Unfortunate as it may be, there may be many other students (male or female) who are indeed expending energy on counting calories rather than on their studies. If so, we shouldn’t be focusing on assisting them in their calorie counting, but working with them to improve their self-esteem and body image! Secondly, it angers me that these two female students are encouraging this poor self-image and high self-consciousness in their fellow gender! These two young women are just as much to blame as is the media for girls’ low self-esteem, eating disorders, and poor self-image. Lastly, these students must not form conclusions or possible “solutions” to the “F#” until they have completed efficient research!

There are plenty of other variables to consider before one is to assume that a young woman who gains 15lbs is unhealthy or overweight. For example, it could be very possible that around the age of 19 (which is also coincidentally during a typical freshman year) a young girl begins to biologically mature at a faster rate than during puberty, so her body purposefully slows down its metabolism, preparing for some kind of womanly bodily change! It could be very possible that around the time a student may be a freshman in college, or moving out on her own, she naturally gains about 15lbs over a course of a year or so and it may just be a fact of life, a fact of being a woman (as apposed to being a girl.)

These possibilities and variables seemed not to enter the minds of students concerned over this named “F#.” Apparently, some females would rather pull down one another’s confidence and self-esteem – making them to feel they must “watch out” or they may bloat to unimaginable sizes!! Heaven forbid a size 9, 12, or 13 walking around campus! She must need our help! Oh, and the size 5 over there, she’s looking like she could use a jog, a rice cake, and what the hell, let’s toss in a free scale and fat-pincher while we’re at it. If we don’t do something now she’ll be a size 7 before you know it! “Helping fat-ass females return to thinness one fat ass at time. No need to call me a hero – just know I’ll be sleeping soundly tonight with the sweet, faint sound of vomiting in my ears.”

TOO MUCH TOO MUCH TOO MUCH!!!!!!

So I am in major overload here. I dont even know where to begin. Forgive me if the following babblings are a bit unorganized....Topic headings may help....

THE END OF THE WORLD

And by "World," I mean "Amercan Lifestyle." I am freaking out due a number a reasons, one of which is THIS article: "Celente Predicts Revolution, Food Riots, Tax Rebellions By 2012," by some dude named Paul Watson, and dating back only about 3 weeks. Here is the link if you so wish to have an educated judgement of my SPAZTIC reaction

http://www.infowars.com/?p=5938http://www.infowars.com/?p=5938

So this Celente dude has done his research. He's not psychic. He uses historical data to calculate trends. He's intelligent and educated. And apparently he's always right. And he thinks that by 2012 it will be tough for people to meet even the most basic of needs. Niiiiiice.

It was very interesting what this man said about people being on so many different forms of prescription and non-prescription drugs. He is very insightful when he says, "...you have a huge underclass of very desperate people with their minds chemically blown beyond anybody’s comprehension.” Think of all the people with mental disorders, who have been on expensive prescription drugs for a long period of time (some for nearly their entire lives.) If things crash as bad as this Celente guy is saying, those people will no longer be able to afford thier prescriptions anymore! I know how badly some people act out when they get off their meds for only a few DAYS! Imagine all the mentally ill people NOT on meds, and having no understanding of how to live life OFF of meds. 

And yes, Celente is right when he talks about all the people on drugs such as Meth. Those sorts of mind and emotion altering drugs werent around during the last national crisis....People will handle things a LOT differently than the people in the 30s. Plus, before the last depression, people were allready used to living life less cushy than we have come accustomed to. Its going to be like take all the yuppies from California and forcing them to live in Ethiopia or something. Only THIS will be on a much larger scale. 

So Ive flipped out and told John that we should really start thinking about stocking up on non-parishables and water. It wouldnt hurt anything, anyways. And most non-parishables are really inexpensive. And I want to quit using banks. Money isnt backed by anything. When it really comes down to it, it's just paper. It will be nearly worthless in 2012, according to Celente. Maybe our dollard bills will be worth more as a source of heat for our house! BURN IT IN THE LIVING ROOM! I want to purchase a used fireplace (free-standing) simply because Ive always wanted one. But more complicatedly I want a gas burning, fake fireplace that I can eventualy CONVERT to a wood-burning fireplace if ever needed. John HATES the smell of burning (inscence, campfire, cigarette butts not fully put out on the shop floor...) so I would have to make a compromise for him. He is SO high maintenance! *sarcasm* 

Considering the warnings Ive received from a few educated people, it would be silly not to take their advice (better safe than sorry!)  My sister, Beth, thinks Im crazy and that Im driving myself in to a panic attack or another impulsive decision to move accross the country. Well, she didn't say that in so many words...more like no words...more like Im putting most of those words in her mouth.... She says that what Celente says could never happen. She thinks its all in our control and maybe that's why Im totaly crapping myself right now - because Im a control freak and all of this is completely out of my hands and I know it. So Im trying to prepare myself for what I feel is only inevitable - and only because it's out of my own control. 

Too bad our great grandparents arent alive still to tell us how to prepare.I wonder what Frank Herman thought in 1929? Did he say, "HOLY CRAP! NEVER SAW IT COMIN'"? I bet he did. I bet he was living life fun and fancy free (like Bongo) four years before the big crash.

I wonder what this guy said about that strange Y2K business. I wonder if he was one of the guys who said, "The world is going to crash and burn! Stock up on food and water!!" and then it never happened.....Im trying to find information regarding that but Im not finding anything at all. Maybe that means he really didnt back up all that fear. Im sure if he had, the internet would be booming with articles such as "Man who thought the end of the world was going to be year 2000, now claims it AGAIN" or some such crap. 

Soooo.....summary: Im official freaked out that I will be drinking toilet water in 2012. (which wouldnt be so bad if our bodies weren't so WEAK from too much exposure to antibiotics and not enough exposure to slightly off drinking water, or viruses, or bacteria now and again!!!) Beth also thinks her baby will die of the flu inside of her whomb if she doesnt get the shot. Meanwhile there are case studies linking certain chemicals and preservatives in vaccines to autism spectrum disorder....  

OH WOW. That was a lot. I feel a weeee bit better. Now I have to peeeee.... I should get back crackalackin on the final portion of my schoolwork for the semester.....But how can I possibly concentrate when the world is coming to an end!?!? I ask you sir! HOW?

Taking a Moment to Appreciate

While going thru the nonsense business of "finding myself", I realize that I all too easily get wrapped up in the challenges Im facing, rather than on challenges Ive overcome! The last few years I have been having a real hard time figuring out (and sticking with) what is important to me, what I value, what and who I want in my life, what I envision for my future, and what I should be doing to be a productive and contributive member of society and the WORLD, really! Its all very overwhelming and I find myself being indecisive, changing my mind on things I could have SWORN I had already had set in stone....

And thru all the temper tantrums, crying fits, emotional breakdowns and millions of questions asked of myself and others, I will ALWAYS have a few select friends, close family members and JOHN just patiently and supportively waiting for me to get it all figured out. Im sure that there are a few people (mom...dad...) who care deeply for me, wishing that they could figure it out FOR me, give me life's answers and words of wisdom. However, they know and I know that only I can discover these on my own.

I am truly blessed to have this solid man in my life who, thru it all, tries to be as supportive as he can, and give me as much freedom as I need to get these things figured out. All of it is a test to our relationship, to our unconditional love for eachother. We try to remember, as we bulldoze the great roadblocks that are placed in the path of our relationship, that in the end there is always the true gift in knowing that we can overcome anything and our love and devotion to eachother will last forever (we hope. heehee.) 

I know this because (among many other things) at the end of each school week I am incredibly anxious to return home. After work on the weekends I am STILL excited to return home. At night Im content and comforted to fall asleep next to him, and to wake up feeling the same way. Even DURING a big blow-out argument, no matter HOW pissed off or hurt we are, we always just know, in the back of our minds, that we will be okay. We always are! We will hug, kiss, make our appologies, and talk in real terms how to adjust things to make it so that we dont upset eachother again. Then all will be right with the world (at least OUR world.) Heehee. We both know that it's good to "fight", to work out the bugs, "nip them in the bud", so on...as soon as problems arise so the finished product (marraige) is suitable for us both.

Our relationship has grown so much since we began our journy close to four years ago! So many compromises have been made, tweekings and adjustments that dont just happen overnight - that take some work and serious, conscious effort. In the end, we still dont have the perfect relationship, but we have a custom-built love, created in a way to satisfy our own individual needs and desires. Aw yes, the sheer cheesiness of it all....  

Rethinking My Opinions

Alright. So I was mowing the lawn today and just got to thinking about whats really happening in the world right now. Not just in my life, but MANY human beings. It all started when the protests and riots began on Tuesday, which was largely due to the radical voice of Zack De Le Rocha of Rage Against The Machine. 

I have been a HUGE fan of RATM since I was in 7th grade. However, let me make this clear: I AM NOT a radical myself. I am NOT an anarchist. I am all for having a government system. I just feel this system could be tweaked quite a bit. 

Looking back, I was reminded of how much of a little activist I once was myself. I have always had strong opinions and once had strong, educated political opinions. I used to be terrified of war. I had nightmares that planes would bomb my house and we'd be tossed in concentration camps. I had it in my head that I was born to join the Peace Corps and travel to 3rd world countries to help fight poverty and injustice.

I once wrote up a petition and had almost all 5th graders sign their names to it because I KNEW I wasnt the only one fed up with the killer gym floor they forced us to do sit-ups on every day. All I wanted was for the large mats to be laid lown for us to use during gym class. I remember that when I showed it to Mr.McCullough he laughed at me and turned me down. DICK. I wonder what he ever did with that petition....

Then after attending the RATM concert in Mnpls last night, listening to Zack speak, feeling the energy, seeing the protests and police by the hundreds in their full riot gear, I began to think about all the destruction happening in other countries and remembering the little rebel I once was. When did I start becoming so selfish? When did I begin to think that MY life was so hard? And why? I suppose its because America is set up that way. We arent supposed to worry about whats going on anywhere besides in our local area or state. 

Maybe instead of worrying myself over MY future (which, no matter what I do, is going to be 10times brighter than a lot of others' future - entirely due to the fact that I am a white AMERICAN) I should put effort in to helping others. Once of the BEST things I have ever done with myself was to go on a mission trip to Mississippi with TreeHouse. I want to start doing that again. I could go somewhere every summer. Theres no real reason why I cant. I can raise the money. Ive done it before.

Something else Ive been seriously considering this semester has been that once I am thru with school, I should use my education as a liscensed social worker to find resources for immigrants. It seems to me (from speaking with them) that the majority of immigrants come to this country is to ESCAPE their own. They dont go thru all the trouble to move here on a whim or because they have nothing BETTER to do or because they are bored of where they were residing. 

Maybe instead of destructing other countries while trying to build them up, we (US Govnt) could set up large camps of American Peace Corps with a few appointed armed gaurds for each camp. I understand that the terrorists demolished a sliver of our country, but do we have to LEVEL theirs? We can show these people a better way of life without bringing tanks, cant we?

And it seems to me (uneducated opinion, here) that America has so much technology these days that we should be able to pinpoint who these terrorists are, zoom in on them and destroy THEM. I understand people are worried that their friends and families left behind will carry on the terrorism but you cant DESTROY terrorism. Terrorism is not a living, breathing thing. It will carry on no matter how much blood is shed, limbs are lives are lost. 

Also, going back to something I said in a previous blog....I stated something along the lines of "soldiers need to quit complaining about the war... they are the ones who signed up in the first place...." BUT after educating myself a bit more, I have realized that most soldiers signed up in high school or shortly afterwards, given promises of bashing in the skulls of terrorists and freeing the people of Iraq. 

All that seemed really cool at 17-19! ESPECIALY if it was shortly after the events of 9-11! That age group is still EXTREMELY inpressionable. Joining up seems really cool when a 20-some, handsom, tan and muscular dude shows up to your HIGH SCHOOL, attracting the attention of all the chicks in the place. I wonder how many kids took the time to read the fine print on the documents they signed their lives away on. I feel that many of those boys (and girls) were mislead and/or taken advantage of. ALSO, I have learned that many soldiers signed up for X amount of time and were forced to stay longer or be re-deployed. 

So I appologize to anyone I may have offended by spouting off uneducated, thoughtless opinions. I sometimes forget to do my research before I go yammerin' on about something I, at the time, feel very strongly about.

Strip? Or File Bankruptcy?

so FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! why is it that I work my ass off, trying to be a model citizen, girlfriend, friend, daughter, student, employee, mommy, and i still get FUCKED!!!!!!!!!??????? what the fuck happened to KARMA?? FUCK karma!!! im a good girl. im fucking honest and sincere and godfuckingdamnit im a good girl. i think i pretty much always have been. i feel like ive made mistakes but have already paid for them in one shape or form or another.

i feel like i need to bitch and ramble and babble for a while. i can look back on it later and see what an idiot ive been. i feel like ive got some fucking story to tell. how original. 

so here it is:

im working while going to school. living on my own (and, contrary to what many may think, up until cali, john has never paid my bills, tuition, books, etc) for nearly 3 years i paid half of everything just from my part time jobs, PLUS my bills PLUS going to school. once in a while hes helped me out (20 bucks here and there). then checker fucking cut back my hours over HALF. that was 2 years ago.

so ANYWAYS.....I fucking couldnt afford health/dental insurance. i shouldve let go of my pride and applied for state med aid. so that when my fucking wisdom teeth started trying to kill me with pain, i WOULDNT HAVE HAD to put nearly 3 grand on a card to have them removed. FUCK. 

,maybe if i was the kind of person that is okay with taking help from the government, taking help from anyone in general, this wouldnt have happened to me. i shouldve been on minensota care a long time ago. i shouldnt told john how bad i was struggling before it got this far. but FUCK! i always thought to myself "you cant be the kind of person that relies on others to get by. to get out of little messes. to pay your way. to take care of you. make mom and dad proud. be independent, and dont take anything from anyone unless you work for it" thats the fucking mentality that got me in this place. 

and if i hadnt had gone to cali. but FUCK i did everything right! i filed all the FAFSA shit, i checked in with the financial aid office there at least once a fucking week to be sure they had all the info they needed and to see if there was anything i could do to speed up the process. no. fuckers! 

then a few years go by and i find myself extremely unhappy. so i decided to move to cali hoping THAT would make me happy. new and warm environment. chill people. family. volunteer work. school. independence...... doesnt make me happy. i do everything right. the financial aid dept at the school in cali FUCKS me and I get no money. so, after racking up my credit cards even MORE trying to survive (and OKAY....spending money on CRAP doing the whole i-feel-like-shit-so-maybe-shopping-will-make-me-feel-better routine....) and maintaining a low A average in school, i decide to cut my losses and go home.

now im on the final part of school (2 years left) and im barely making it by. im just praying that customer service for my credit card companies read the pathetic emails i wrote, begging for some slack, and HAVE A FUCKING HEART! if i had anything to sell for money, i WOULD. if anyone owed me money, id collect. if i could work more, i would. but i cant take 16 credits and work anything more than 15 hrs a week. i cant quit school to work or ill just be struggling for THE REST OF MY LIFE.

so i just have to struggle REALLY BAD for these last two years. but that might not be good enough for discover, capital 1 and citibank. they may want me to suffer. for the rest of my life. 

so, okay, i KNOW im not the only person going thru this. the economy sucks. i guess thats the only thing holding me together. is knowing that LOTS of good, hard-working americans are in the same boat i am. at least i dont have kids. or a mortgage. or a car payment. at least im not ill or disabled. 

i know ill be just fine once im done with school. im just hoping i can make it THRU school. i was informed that my credit card companies can garnish student loans if they need more money from me. FUCK!!!! 

its really hard right now not to hate myself. not to hate the stupid FUCKS that work in the financial aid dept at santa rosa junior college. its easy to think bad thoughts.......but i cant hate the world. i know i did this to myself. but FUCK!!!! did i, really?? 

FUCK if anyone reads this....please email me and tell me how bad YOU have it. or how bad it COULD be. i dont see how it could be worse for a girl whos tried her WHOLE LIFE to stay out of debt trouble, work hard and pay her taxes. and here she is. FUCKED. fuckedfuckedfuckecxdfuckdufkcd

why is it that even though I KNOW billions of others have it worse than me, yet i still feel like its the end of my world? like im the BIGGEST failure. but i also feel like i DONT FUCKING DESERVE THIS!!!!! i want to scream. i want to fucking just flip out

now all this negativity ive been festering in has given me a headache. and i cant cry. wtf. cant cry? and i cant focus. im ranting. ill stop